Another week has passed just like that. Went for a theory lesson for dog training today and as a result, I missed church. That made today a super relaxed day, practically stayed home the entire day and slept a lot. Feeling kinda awake now, but I know I've gotta sleep soon.
Nothing's been happening much lately. I've also been going through the motions and keeping myself occupied. Though I gotta say there's a small dilemma that I'm thinking about recently. Do I really want a partner or not? I gotta admit that it feels vastly different now. I used to feel butterflies in my stomach when I'm talking to the girl I liked, I used to see the good things that being in a relationship will give. It all feels different now, I see it more as something bad. There are so many factors of uncertainty, how can I be sure that it'll work out, how can I be sure that it won't be so bad that I'll take another 3years just to feel like myself again? How do I convince myself that, marriage can be a good thing? It doesn't seem that way anymore, it just feels like it is something that's meant to be good but will never be. So why will I want that?
I thought that today I'll be back early but I ended up heading out with my sister and brother in law for dinner. Fed Bean before we headed out for dinner and he's a lot calmer today. Less tendency of biting. Maybe the trick really is to tire him out, but that'll tire me out too haha
There's been a lot of thoughts in my mind recently. I like where my life's at right now. And because of that, I find myself being very resistant towards change. I'll admit that I feel the same way towards positive change as well. I attribute that towards the uncertainty of the change as it is happening. I always feel that change will be for the worse after all the events that happened in the past few years. At the end, will I be missing out on good things because I was afraid to pursue them?
Missed a post last night because I got back home a little too late and I had some important things to discuss with some of my friends. Today I met up again with the same bunch to do a run. So I only spent morning time with Bean.
I have a lot of things on my mind now. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have time to arrange my thoughts to type something out here. It's really too late now and I feel like I've been lacking sleep. So I'll continue tomorrow.
CNY off in lieu today and it's back to work tomorrow. Today went by pretty quickly. Pretty much just slept through most of the day and didn't accomplish much. Somehow I'm looking forward to going back to work because I want to get back into that routine. It's gonna be a long day tomorrow, with gym after work. That's always fun though, and I get to see the usual peeps.
Bean's been really big on the playbiting recently. I'm getting way too many scratch marks and cuts from his biting. I need to figure what triggers him, or understand what he wants or needs. When he's sleeping, he's so calm and peaceful but when he wakes up, he's still a monster. I have the responsibility towards him though. It's tough.
There's a lot to think about recently. I'm starting to feel like I don't have the time or energy to certain stuff. I need time to myself to process certain things. Need more space to myself. I want to find energy to be focused and awake for most of the day, even that is tough. I've been sleeping so much over this weekend it's pretty insane. So much time lost. I'll figure it out slowly, but surely.
Just got back. Today was nice. Got a nice nap in the afternoon after an intense morning. Played bball with the usual peeps and it felt good today. I was hitting my shots. I worked really hard for my shots to be more consistent so I'll own that today. It reminded me that training is all about repetitions and familiarity, but on top of that, it's about confidence. When I took those shots today, I knew what was gonna happen. I knew how much space I needed, how it should feel on my fingers, how the ball should roll off my fingertips, how my feet should be placed, how I should jump, where my eyes should be looking at. It's so intricate, it's so fascinating. That's just from a simple shot. There's gotta be so much attention to detail and knowing how to adjust to better it. This new found love I have for basketball came solely from being able to appreciate it down to the detail. If I were to pick it up before I started keeping fit, it wouldn't have hit the same way.
That being said, I realised another thing today as well. I'm usually rather adverse to playing against people I don't know. Partly because I'm afraid, partly because I don't know their limits, I don't want to start a fight. Today when they asked for a game, I wanted to sit out in the first one. When they called for the second set, I wanted to play. I figured that I don't like playing against people that I know completely nothing about. Their tendencies, their strengths, their weaknesses. I'm assessing these people before I want to play with them. It's odd, I've never thought about this way ever.
Okay anyway enough basketball. This morning during sunday school, we talked about Joseph. It's interesting because I never knew he was that irritating as a kid, which made him unlikeable among his brothers. The thing that evoked a lot of thoughts though, was that he remembered grudges against his brothers for 13 years till he forgave them. "Forgive and forget" how often have I heard this phrase. Truth is, it's easier to forgive than to forget. Some things you just don't forget, and I probably never will. Yet, the difference was that Joseph continued to obey God throughout his entire life. Even though he hasn't made it to a high position yet, he obeyed and did all that he was told. That to me was a pretty big hit. This made me think a lot during the sunday school class.
This long weekend feels really long for some reason. There's still Sunday and Monday. I know it's going to be over very soon and I'll look back on it and miss it. Maybe I'm just spending my time more wisely now? I don't know but anyway, Bean was calmer today which is great news! So I might have been feeding him a little and that's why he always bites our hands because that's usually where food comes. Also I'm not locking his crate at night no more and he still goes in there to sleep! Or at least, he was just 30min when I went to check on him. That also means that I don't have to wake up at 12am to bring him out to pee pee! That's so fantastic.
Tomrorow's Sunday and I'm heading to church once again. Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting different results. So I think I really need to assess what I want differently this time and work towards that. To be honest, I don't really know how I'm supposed to do it or what I'm looking for exactly. All I know is that God is real and He is the only one true and living God, but He isn't my God anymore. Yet, understanding and believing that all things come from Him, I know I ought to go back to Him. That's it. It's gonna be another tiring day tomorrow. Let's see what's in store for me tomorrow.
3rd day in a row, gotta thank my mum for feeding Bean at night. Tonight she didn't put him in his crate though, he was so crazy when we got home. Yet, the moment I put him in the crate, I think he realised he was tired so as usual there's no noise! I think he was quite okay today, still bites a lot though. Sigh, what should I do?
Went over to my aunt's place for TYF. The #badluckbrian streak continues. I really cannot gamble because everyone around me loses, it's insane. Food was good and I got to spend some time with my nephews. My cousin is doing a pretty good job at raising her kids. They listen well and don't throw tantrums out of nowhere. I'm quite impressed.
I've been thinking about how I've been keeping this up for the longest streak in a while. "This" refers to me blogging. It just feels therapeutic and it helps to note down certain things that happened in the day. It's a good "me time" thing to do. It's a nice way to end the day. Alright, bye.
