Saturday, September 26, 2015
We were close.
You meant a huge freaking lot to me.
But yknow, i really can only say i liked you like crazy.
We've never been through anything to prove that i loved you.
I didn't like that.
I was so close to knowing what being in love was.
But now, i'm back to square one.
I really really liked you.
I was willing to do a lot more, give up a lot more for you.
There was just one thing.
I could'nt give up my religion for you.
I still can't, and won't ever be able to.
My life is in a mess right now.
What made me think that my life wasn't in a mess when i was with you?
I lied to myself, every single day.
I'm still a liar.
A liar that is so good at lying, i even fooled myself.
-Day 19-
Brian
11:53 PM
Thursday, September 24, 2015
I went to sing karoke today.
Maybe now, it'll be too late for me to tell you how much i wanted to sing for you.
Today's karoke was different.
I remember how i used to text you in the middle of it, telling you about the songs i've sang..
I used to like sad songs a lot.
But now, all of them reminds me of you.
It's crazy how i'm able to relate to the songs so much more now.
When i was on my way back, i realised you removed the picture of the sloth nanoblock that i gave you..
My heart broke again.
I really like nanoblocks but that'll be a nanoblock i dont think i'll ever get.
Sometimes, i really wished i could be more heartless.
Then i'll be able to get over this faster, easier.
I don't know if i'll talk to you again, i dont know if i'll see you again.
That's what hurts me the most.
I hate it that i cannot treat you as a friend.
If i could, everything will still be okay now..
It's my fault.
I'm sorry.
-Day 17-
想你的夜
多希望你能在我身边
不知道你心里还能否为我改变
想你的夜
求你让我再爱你一遍
让爱再回到原点
Brian
10:06 PM
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Two weeks ago.
It was when many things changed.
When you told me that you weren't ready for change in your life.
When you told me that there were certain things you didn't want to give up, and maybe we'll find someone better.
That's when i realised, maybe you wanted to give up on this.
I didn't want to believe it because my hopes were too high.
To be shot down like that, it hurt, like mad.
I guess i've never really thought about why i felt so sad after reading that.
But maybe it's because i felt it wasn't gonna work out anymore.
There were times i wanted to message you but i don't know what to say and to be completely honest, what's the point?
I want to talk to you because i want to salvage this, but i'm still gonna tell you that we can't be together because of my religion.
I want to continue being friends with you but i can't treat you like a friend now.
So really, what's the point?
I'm glad i said we should cut contact.
At least then, you need not live with the guilt and the pain of breaking someone's heart.
I'm just glad it's me who did it.
I didn't want to wait till a day where either of us finds someone better, then we decide to do this.
The hurt felt will be much greater than what we're feeling now.
Sadness has worked overtime, Joy has took far too long a break for it to be healthy.
It's never good for one emotion to be ruling over you for too long.
I'll never know if you read this actually.
But stay strong.
Smile.
-Day 15-
Brian
2:07 PM
Sunday, September 20, 2015
I didn't go to church today, because i dreamt of you.
I dreamt that i messaged you but all i got was anger and frustration.
You told me to stop messaging you.
You used vulgarities on me. Something which i've never seen you use before.
Goes to show how much you hate me.
I'm glad it was just a dream.
Feeling all that though, affected me the whole morning.
I can't help but to think that's how you really feel towards me right now.
Maybe that's why i even dreamt of it in the first place.
I'm scared, because i don't know what you're thinking anymore.
-Day 13-
Brian
4:06 PM
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But i know if i could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart
That i left unspoken
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what i was tryin' to do
Rascal Flatts - What hurts the most
-Day 12-
Brian
12:10 AM
Friday, September 18, 2015
I miss you.
-Day 11-
Brian
1:16 PM
Thursday, September 17, 2015
2 Corinthians 12:7-10New American Standard Bible (NASB)
A Thorn in the Flesh
7 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself!8 Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. 9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
Brian
11:56 AM
Would you believe me if i said time will heal?
Right now, i don't believe that either.
I'm still hoping you'll be a Christian somehow.
Who knows what's gonna happen in the next 5 years?
I don't wanna get my hopes up,but a boy can dream right?
I still dream of you sometimes.
Only to find myself crying when i wake up.
It still hurts.
Especially when i think about the things we've done together and places we've been together.
Will time allow me to let you go?
Please. I need to know.
-Day 9-
Brian
1:28 AM
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Hi,
I really want to talk to you.
To explain things and not being a douche.
That seems like the logical thing to do, but thinking about it.. it probably isn't.
What do i even want to get out of having a conversation with you?
In the end, it really is just to satisfy the urge in me to want to talk to you.
Wanting to talk to you when i can't even see you as a friend yet.
I don't wanna break your heart even more.
It's gonna take awhile.
I don't even know if by then you will still want me as a friend.
It hurts so much when i think about that.
But i'm not gonna be selfish towards you anymore.
No matter how strong the urge i have to want to talk to you now, i won't.
Some things may be left unsaid, so that we won't get more words from the words we say.
Stay strong.
Brian
12:40 AM
Monday, September 14, 2015
Hi,
It was exactly, one week ago that two hearts were broken.
One was yours.
The other was my mum's.
It's been awhile since i cried so hard and my mum was heartbroken seeing me like this too.
I'm so glad that my mum was there for me.
It took so much courage to tell her what is going on in my life.
But I'm glad i did.
Last week someone told me something.
A relationship starts when both sides have feelings for each other.
By status we might not have been, but emotionally, we were already too caught up in it.
Or at least i was.
I still cherish the friendship we had. I want it back but i don't know if you do.
If you're thinking why if i want this friendship and i still did all these?
I think i already lost the friendship when i couldn't keep my distance after i told you how i felt about you.
I hated it when i couldn't be myself.
I couldn't give in to what my heart wanted.
If you remember the time when you came to my church and heard about sin?
Yes, this is what sin is. The heart always wants to sin. And look at how much hurt my sin caused you.
I knew what i was doing is wrong, but i gave in to what i wanted, not what was right.
I really wanted to talk to you today. Maybe just to explain things.
But i'm afraid of what i'll do or how i'll feel after that.
Most importantly, how you'll feel after that.
I hope you're doing well.
Life still goes on, with or without me.
If you're reading this, the haze is really bad nowadays, drink more water and take care of yourself.
Stay strong.
Smile.
-Day 7-
Brian
11:54 PM
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Hi,
The feeling came back strong this morning.
I wasn't able to focus during Breaking of Bread service and during the sermon.
Sunday school though, it hit me hard.
It really made me think how much i wanted to satisfy myself in the past few months that i gradually forgot about God.
No matter how painful it is, He is pulling me back to Him.
You might not understand this, but that's the way it should be, because you're not a Christian. You'll just find me a lot more weird when i say all these.
You know if this wasn't real, i wouldn't be giving all these up.
I hope you'll see that.
A lot of people have been encouraging me about this, and comforting me.
I'm thankful for this people because without them, this would hurt even more.
Hopefully you are handling this well too.
I'm really not worth your sadness.
Smile.
-Day 6-
Jeremiah 17:9-10New American Standard Bible (NASB)
9 “The heart is more deceitful than all else
And is desperately sick;
Who can understand it?
10 “I, the Lord, search the heart,
I test the mind,
Even to give to each man according to his ways,
According to the results of his deeds.
Brian
11:31 PM
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Hi,
I wonder how you're doing now.
I still care, but anything i do now will only hurt you.
These few months when we're together, it felt like a really long time.
Looking back, it really isn't that long of a time.
What i did may not be the best, i know.
I'm human too, i make mistakes. Now i can only hope one day you'll forgive me.
All these might seem sudden and drastic, but maybe all along we knew something like that was gonna happen?
I just didn't want to believe that it's not gonna work out, at least for now.
I still have my hopes, no matter how small they are. It's just that the chances are so small, it's probably not gonna happen. So i'm not gonna bank on that hope to make decisions.
I'm glad you agreed to this silence.
If either one of us held on, it would only be more painful.
It's good we stopped it now.
We only got to feel the pain of losing the cub which we think is cute and we feel sad because we didn't want to part with it.
If we dragged on, it'll eventually become a tiger and we'll really get hurt then.
I hope you see that as well.
Stay strong.
Smile.
-Day 5-
Brian
9:54 PM
Friday, September 11, 2015
Hi,
The pain hasn't gone away yet.
But really, what am i expecting? It isn't gonna go away anytime soon.
I'm torn, i'm shattered, i'm heartbroken because you are too.
I can only understand a little of the pain you're going through, but never know what you're thinking now.
You can hate me, but don't hate Christianity.
The past few days, i've come to realise that religion isn't really the only thing that prevented us from being together. It actually saved us.
Hear me out.
You remember the time when we had a talk about addiction?
You told me addiction isn't good, it never is. But i was.
I felt that i just needed you in my life. Is that a good thing? i don't think so. I relied too much on you.
You always knew that family is important. I didn't. I never really wanted to spend time with my parents or my sis, i just knew i wanted to spend time with you.
You see, i was lonely. You took that pain away.
But now i see that i wanted you because you replaced that loneliness in me.
There will come a day where you can't fill that loneliness in me. Then what?
Even when i went out of my way to do everything for you, it was because i was selfish.
Doing that made me happier. I did it for myself.
I'm too self-centered and too selfish to be in a relationship right now.
If you think carefully, without being bias, I'm sure you'll see it too.
You'll see how bad a guy i am.
I don't deserve you. At all.
One regret that i have is i never told you properly why i'm doing this.
Which is why i hope you're reading this.
I can't tell you face to face right now, because that will only bring you more pain.
That will just make me like you again.
So for now, you need space, i need space.
Take some time to see what's important in our lives. Though i'm pretty sure you know, but i don't.
Don't bottle everything in.
What i told you in the past may seem like lies now, and you might think what i'm telling you now are lies.
But i just hope that you continue smiling.
You have a fantastic smile. I'm not worthy to take that away from you.
So don't blame it on religion, blame it on me.
In fact, this helped us. I don't believe that, i know that.
I still hope you become a Christian, because i dont want you to go to hell.
It's just not through me and definitely not because of me.
Maybe one day when all things are said and done, you will question yourself how is it that i was willing to give up all these for my religion and want to know more about Christianity. I'll be extremely happy if that happens and even happier if you really became a Christian because i'm worried for your salvation.
You're a strong person, you'll be able to get over this.
Just don't keep everything to yourself and not let anyone help you.
Smile. This is my last request to you now.
-Day 4-
Brian
7:01 PM
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Hi,
I can't believe that loneliness has become my friend again.
University started out 1 year ago.
The first sem was still alright, train rides were long but i endured it with just stoning and listening to my music.
The second sem, that was when i started talking to you more and more.
You've kept me company more than you knew.
I wasn't feeling lonely during these train rides, the 3 hour travelling time to and fro school felt really enjoyable.
For the first time in 22 years, i didn't feel lonely.
I felt happy.
I liked how i was able to tell you everything without thinking much.
I liked how you encouraged me and kept me pressing on to survive the last sem which was crazy.
I liked our study sessions at Starbucks. Though we didn't talk much when we were studying, i didn't feel alone.
Now i'm alone again.
There's no one to fall back on.
No one to listen to me rant and channel all my inner emotions away.
You meant a lot to me.
Now i may never talk to you again, but that's okay.
You'll find someone better than me, i'm sure.
I'm too immature for you.
Stay strong.
-Day 3-
1 Corinthians 10:13New American Standard Bible (NASB)
13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.
Brian
10:52 AM
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Hi blog,
I'm back again. There's no one else I can talk to right now. It hurts so much, maybe a little too much.
She was everything to me.
My thoughts, my actions, my dreams even.
Now i've lost her.
We weren't even anything. We were just friends.
I guess I let my feelings sink too fast, too quick, too deep.
Now that you're gone, everything changed. My pillar of support is gone.
Maybe you'll never know how much you meant to me.
Maybe you'll hate me.
Maybe you'll forget me.
But i'm sorry, sorry to have hurt you.
If you ever see this, give me some time till i figure out what's the best thing to do. Right now, i just can't let this feelings go rampant for it has been rampant for far too long. Maybe that's why it hurts so bad. I said before that we should stay as friends, i couldn't. That's why i made this decision. The last thing i want is to hurt you, but that's impossible now. I just hope that the hurt now is nothing compared to the pain we'll feel if we let this continue. I'll talk to you when i can see you as a friend. When that'll be? Honestly, i don't know. Maybe soon, maybe later, maybe never. I hope you stay strong too.
-Day 2-
Brian
3:27 PM
