Saturday, January 30, 2016

Singing still helps to take my mind off things.
Singing with people makes me happy.
Went teoheng with really special people today.

Had a really really bad dream last night.
I used to be able to tell my dreams to someone, but now i'm only able to write it here.
Hopefully i wont have bad dreams tonight.
If not i'll wake up feeling shitty, and no one wants to start the day being shitty.
I used to have someone who can make everything feel better.
Maybe this is one reason why i still feel so lonely.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Didn't really wanna blog today cos today was quite boring. 

Thursday, January 28, 2016

I like talking to people but i've always feared the outcome. 

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Finally met up as 5+1 today. Just in case yall were wondering who took that picture, it was weimin laoshi hahaha
She's always so nice to us, and i really dont know how i'll ever be able to repay her.
Tonight was really a good chance to catch up and just talk.
One of them is going back to Austrailia to study, two of them already started working and the other attends english session because of his commitments.
It's hard for us to take time out like this to meet up over dinner, so i'm really glad we all did.

So one of us were late today because he received news that his friend had passed away.
His friend was only 19years old.
And another of us had a near-death experience during work.
Life is fragile, we're more vulnerable than we think we are.
Who knows? I might not be blogging tomorrow anymore.

I want to say that we all should take one step at a time when we're unsure.
But even that's hard to me right now.
It'll be good to see God right now, but that's too irresponsible.
And if i'm still alive right now, God has His purposes for me.
I just have to figure what they are.
I better figure them out soon.
Living everyday without a purpose, without something to look forward to, is a torture.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

I know something's wrong when i don't enjoy food anymore.
It feels like i'm eating for the sake of being alive, for satisfying that hunger.
The magical feeling of eating good food is gone.
And when i'm done eating, i just feel like puking.
What's happening to me?

Well at least there are still other things that i enjoy, singing, playing the guitar, meeting people who are happy to see me, just to name a few.
Maybe i'll be able to spend less on food now lol

But to be honest, how much i eat depends on the mood i have. When i'm happy i tend to eat a lot.
Yall can imply vice versa.
It doesn't mean i'm sad, i'm just confused and mostly worried.
Worried about what? I won't say but those who are close to me, yall know.

Why do i hide things now?
I wanted to be as clear as crystal, where everyone sees me for who i am.
That's not gonna happen now, there are certain things that i have to hide.
But be rest assured, if you're willing to open up to me, i will too.
That's who i am, i reciprocate.
If someone's nice to me, what reason do i have not to be nice to him?
It just doesn't make sense.

It's a struggle everyday to find myself.
Picking up the pieces as i go.
One of the pieces that i'm desperate to find is the part of me that wants to make people happy.

I'm sorry yall, it might be difficult for yall to read this because it's so messy.
This has to be one of the posts that is completely all over the place.
My mind is, that's why the post became like that.
And at the same time, there are certain things i cant say here anymore.

Who am i?
Who does Brian mean to you?
Who does Brian mean to me?
One step at a time. Doesn't matter how big, as long as i'm moving forward.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Philippians 1:21English Standard Version (ESV)
21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

A question was being posed to the whole sunday school class yesterday.
Fill in the blanks. 'For to me to live is ____, and to die is ____.'
i thought about that answer.
The first blank wasn't entirely Christ.

Yes, i'm not completely over it. But seriously, how can i be?
So everyday i struggle.
It's like when someone is trying to catch a fish, there's two types of reactions.
One will be that the fish struggles to escape the net, the other is to let the net swoop it up.
The first reaction is what a normal fish would do.
What about the second? That only happens when the fish is dead.
I wouldn't consider myself dead to Christ because i'm still struggling.
Some people might think struggling is a bad thing.
Cos you're going through something bad and you must feel awful, blahblahblah.
It's not entirely bad, and i definitely don't see it as a bad thing.
This was the difference in perspectives that i told you about.
Maybe you didn't see how i'm struggling means i'm trying to let go.
It's not easy, it's not supposed to.
I think you got scared because you didn't see this part of me before. I can understand that.
I struggle and that reminds me that i'm still alive.

Everyday is a war, a war with myself.
Talking to you didn't make it worse, neither did the inability of you treating me as a friend make it better.
But i know this is a war worth fighting, because God sent His only Son down to earth two thousand years ago to die for the people He so loved.
I feel unworthy to be loved by a human, let alone God.
And so, because He loved me first, i ought to reciprocate in a way that He deserves.
That means to deny myself of a lot of the things that i want.

Being a Christian is not easy.
Nobody ever said it was.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The past few posts have always been about me. What i feel and a little of what i think.
I guess i'll do a post about you today.

To you:

The past few weeks have been confusing because i didn't have the courage to do something that i only came to realise today.
I didn't dare to ask what you wanted me to do.
Partly because i was afraid if there's no problem, by asking that, there would be one.
This is why i needed to know what you're thinking.
Then i'll know how to better draw the line, and how to respond to you, in a way that makes it comfortable for us as friends.

The thing is this, maybe since your birthday, i've never really felt that you've treated me as a friend.
Everytime i asked about you, the reply would be cold.
Only when we talk about kpop, then there's a longer conversation.
To me, that's dangerous if we were to remain as friends.
You aren't a friend that i only talk to because we have common interests.
How will a friendship last if it's based on something they have in common?
One day, i might stop liking kpop. One day, i may not be interested in apink or soshi anymore.
What will happen then?
We start to drift apart because the friendship was based on something that couldn't last.
I don't want that to happen, because you're not that kind of friend to me.
You were someone who understood me, knew what i needed and was willing to get hurt in the process but still smiled after what i did.
That's the person you were to me.
That's the awesome friend that i had.

You probably won't read this till awhile later.
You shouldn't too, at least till when you're feeling better.
I know you need your space, so everything is fine for me.
If what you said affected me as much as it did a few months back, i won't be doing my God any justice.
After all, i did give up everything for the God whom i believe in.
That should be the thing that matters most.

I've had friends give me a lot of advice but every single night, i lay on my bed thinking about what i should do.
Because i realised, ultimately, the decision lies with me.
You should think about that too. What matters most to you right now?
Friends can only advise, but it is up to you to make the decision that matters to you the most.
Even if it goes against what your closest friends say, you know what's best for you.

I'm sorry that everything i did made you feel the way you do now.
I'm sorry that i've taken away a part of you that i'm not even worthy of.
And if it makes you feel better, we've both lost something in the process.
Yet, i'm thankful that you plucked out the courage to say what you said.
I've been asking myself what's the best thing to do every single day, that's why i felt so helpless and so alone, because i couldn't find an answer.
Now, i'm able to do something that helps you. So i'm glad.
I was happy because you were honest with me and that took my mind off a lot of things.
I'm happy that i'm able to do something that will make you happier.
Thank you. I hope you feel better soon.




I'm a little sad.
Sad because it's hard for you to even treat me as a friend now.
At the same time, i'm happy.
Because ever since we started talking again, this is the only time i felt that you were truly honest with me.

Hopefully you get everything sorted out.
I don't want to see you like this.
It hurts.


Of all people, you should be the one who knows how hard it is to let go.
Yet, you said it like it's an easy thing to do.

A boy has dreams.
A man chases his dreams.
Yeah sure, i'm a boy.
Just a boy who is stupid and ignorant and is always fixated on his own problems.

I'm just a boy who wants the only thing he will never get.
Maybe that's why i'm still a boy, it's fine.




Pretty much had a headache the whole of today.
Shouldn't have taken that afternoon nap.

Went to church and played the guitar for worship.
It's amazing how i can immerse myself in the song and play the guitar to an extent that i felt like myself?
Good stuff.
Then again maybe the physical pain from the headache replaced the emotional pain.
Either way, the headache's getting really bad.
I should go sleep.

Words that matter cuts deeper than samurai swords.
Words that are said for the sake of saying it doesn't matter at all.

Friday, January 22, 2016

In the end, i'm still a kid aren't i? Hahaha

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Honestly, i don't know where to go from here.
I'm kinda just waiting for the projects to start and everything to get real busy so that my mind will be occupied with other things.
That's why i've been meeting a lot of friends recently to really talk and get more perspectives.

Was able to meet people whom i should be catching up with more often.
Talking about random stuff.
Asked them about their problems and got their advice for mine.

Yknow, i really wanna keep trying.
But sometimes, the way that i'm trying is wrong, or maybe i'm trying too hard it's bringing about negative consequences.

I'm not anyone special.
I'm neither a person with good looks nor have a good personality.
I'm pretty much just your average person that makes mistakes and screws up big time once every now and then.

Yet, there are people who are happy to meet me.
There are people who cares about how i'm doing.
Will you?
Do you?
Maybe you will be, maybe you do, but i can't sense it anymore.

I can't always be talking to you about kpop.
I will wanna know how you've been,
whether school work is too overwhelming,
cheer you up when you're down,
be there when you need someone to.

When you start loving someone, it's difficult to stop.
It's true.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

A song to remind myself.

Watch your step or you might fall
You act like you're a know-it-all
Yeah I used to do that, I used to be like that
I'm still a bit like that

You might think you found the one
Until your heart gets ripped and torn
Yeah I used to feel bad, I used to feel like that
I still feel a bit like that

Use your mind and make it talk
Cause in this world it's all you've got
We all fall down from the highest clouds to the lowest ground

The loneliness is worst of all
When you've got no one else to call
Feeling kind of sad when the times are bad, the times are getting bad

But I'm not searching for the answer
No, I'm not looking for the truth
I'm just talking through a speaker
Because that's all that I could ever learn to do
Because that's all that I have ever learned to do




Who are you to me?
Maybe a friend, maybe not just a friend.

If you're only a friend to me,
Why do i look forward to your replies?
Why do i feel the urge of telling you what happened today?
Why do i crave for your attention?
These feelings i fight everyday.

If you're not just a friend then there's a war between the head and the heart.
A daily war that i always feel i'm losing.

Everyone gets tired from time to time.
Maybe you'll become the girl from way back when?
Are you going to be that girl?

I need to sleep.

Monday, January 18, 2016

What makes me happy?
A lot of it still comes down to you.
It's hard.

I'm just a kid that can't get things to go my way.
It's just so frustrating.

I really need to re-evaluate myself.
I'm hungry, i'm gonna go find something to eat.


Been sleeping so late the past few days that it's hard to sleep early now even though i'm tired.
So here goes.

I'm worried. Worried about alot of things.
Worried about school, worried about who's the girl that's gonna be in my life, about her salvation, about my dad's salvation.
One of the key factors that made me not go into that relationship was because of my dad.
I cannot bear to have another person so important to me, being someone who's not saved.
I don't want to live everyday knowing that i won't ever see that person again after he/she dies.
That's way too painful.
And right now, worrying about my dad's salvation is even more real.
Recently he's been complaining that he aching all over even though he's not moving around much.
And he's been talking to me for the smallest of things.
As though he hasn't got much time left.
I'm super worried but at the same time, can't do anything if he doesn't want to say anything.
If i'm gonna lose him, i'd rather be able to know so that i can make it count when it still can.
I don't think i can handle it if it comes too suddenly.

When it happens, i will wish for someone to be there for me.
Yes, i can find comfort in God, but my heart will yearn for someone physically there for me.
Someone that i can cry in front of, someone that i can tell everything to.
Yes, i still wish that person could be you, but if you're not a Christian, you'll never be able to fully understand what i'm going through.
And it'll be hard for you to comfort me.

That being said, it hasn't happened yet.
What matters more now is how do i bring my dad to come to know this amazing God that loves us even though we do everything that He hates. The God that has the power to save us.
So, what should i do now? I feel alone and helpless now.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

So today's family fellowship talked about 新造的人.
When was the transition from knowing about God to knowing God?
I can't pinpoint a specific when.

I was a dumb kid, not thinking for myself just thinking what i can do so that others would accept me.
I wanted other peoples' attention but i got none.
So i turned to game consoles, playstation, gameboy, psp, you name it.
I found my sanctuary in games.
It made me feel satisfied.

All till i really paid attention to the Bible.
Everything had to come from somewhere.
What i believe is, God created everything.
If there is no God, how can something become something from nothing?
There needs to be a higher power involved.
And the one true God that i believe in, is merciful enough to give anyone salvation as long as you believe in Him.
That is the easy first step.
Other religions believe in good works, but knowing how sinful i am, there's nothing good that will come out of me.
When i come to realise that, some other religions dont apply to me anymore.
Because if i'm never able to do good, then in the eyes of those religions, i'll never be saved.
But God gives salvation to anyone who seeks Him.
So that reconciles a lot of things.
God wants to give, but only to those who seeks.

I admit i'm still pretty dumb.
But not dumb enough to do something that doesn't support what i really believe in.
There are many odds against the existence of God, and that's what faith is all about.
Believing in a Living God that i can't see.
Although i can't see. there's the Bible which contains His Word.
And last year, i did something so terribly heartaching to me for the glory of God.
This is how real God is to me.
I gave up something that i could see, feel and love, all for the sake of obeying His commandments.
The commandments of  a God that i couldn't see.
I'm still that stupid kid that nothing good can about come out of.
But i think through this stupid kid, God has His plans to make His Glory be known.

He died on the cross 2 millenniums ago, so that a stupid boy like me can be saved.
How incredibly amazing is that?

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Saturday, January 16, 2016

I tried so hard and got so far
But it the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

I'm trying hard everyday.
Trying hard to live each day as it is.
Trying to make the best outta everyday.
It isn't easy when you're unhappy,
When you're pessimistic about a lot of things.
I'm not talking about significant things that happens in my life.
I'm talking about the little things, missing trains, card isnt working when i'm trying to tap through the gantry, having to lug home a A3-size drawing pad back home all the way from NTU.
Every single thing that can go wrong, goes wrong.
Really?
Nope.
It's all in the perspective.
When i'm complaining, am i saying that God's not in control? Yes.
When i hate everything about life, am i saying that i'm not happy that God saved me from spending an eternity in hell? Yes.
When i don't try my best in something, am i saying that God is not worth enough for me to put my all in doing it so that i can glorify Him? Yes.

I had to take a really big fall last year.
Yes we all know that really well. (At least yall think yall do.)
I lost everything.
Or at least it felt like i did.
It's better now.
It's almost like i got a consolation prize.
But in the end, i can't really say it doesn't matter.
Everything matters to me, even the small things.
Sometimes i just need assurance of how much i matter to other people.
Cos right now, self worth is at an all time low.
I don't think i am good enough for anything.
Am i even good at anything?
Everyone likes to hear praises once in awhile, don't they?
For me? Nah i dont have to hear praises.
When i do things for others, i dont need any repayment.
I just want you to appreciate what i did for you.
Now, that's all i truly want and need.

Friday, January 15, 2016

It's so unreal
Didnt look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but you didnt even know
I wasted it all just watch you go.

Everything is unreal.
Who would've thought that it would turn out the way it did?
I fell. Hard.
Now i'm still trying to get myself outta this pit.
But first i gotta stop lying on the ground, feeling useless, helpless.
If i carry on like that, it might come to a point where i may never get back up.
Of course, it would be easier if someone was to help me outta this hole.
But right now, my biggest obstacle is me.
I need time.

Indeed, i'm trying to hold on.
Whether you know or not, i dont know.
There might come a day when i have to watch you go.
Hopefully i'll be better by then.
I dont think i'm the same person a few months back.
I really liked the me 6months ago,
Will i be able to find him again? Maybe. Who knows?

Thursday, January 14, 2016

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away.

Time.
It never stops, it never waits, it never fails to make a person crave for it more.
Everything happened very fast, and it still is.
How am i making use of my time?
Is it for Godly purposes?
Is it for self-centered purposes?
No matter how i spend it, life still goes on.
Day after day, things happen as they go.
I worry. Worry about what will happen this year.
I wanna know if i should let it go, how i should let i go.
I wanna know what's the best thing to do.
It doesn't matter if it hurts, i've gotten hurt so much that it doesn't really matter anymore.
All i care is that others don't. Espcially you.
I always worry about things that haven't happened, so it's better to just take things one step at a time.

For now, this feeling, i'm still clinging onto.
When it'll ever fade, i don't know.
But for now, this time i have while i'm still single, i can definitely use it to a fuller extent.

I know i'm not alone, but why do i feel so lonely?
Maybe time will tell.
Time is a valuable thing.
I'm not gonna watch it fly by as the pendulum swings.
I'm not gonna do nothing while it counts down to the end of the day.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Keep that in mind, i designed this rhyme to explain in due time.

It's easy how we all forget things sometimes.

When our minds are being occupied by something else, what was will be replaced.

Yet there are things where no matter how hard we try to replace, it'll only remain.

Pain, sorrow, regret can be forgotten, temporarily, but always comes back to haunt you once in awhile.

It's easier to forget the happy times because so often we take it for granted.

I forget what people have done for me and treat them in a way they don't deserve.

So for those things that i try so hard to forget, does it mean they're important to me?

Maybe it's to remind myself in due time when i'm making a decision.

Whatever's the case, it is there for a reason.

Monday, January 11, 2016

One thing I don't know why, it doesn't matter how hard i try.

Certain things in life, you don't get not because you didn't try hard enough.

It's simply just not meant to be obtained through trying.

No matter how hard you try, some things won't ever change.

Or maybe things refuse to change.

Eventually, it may change, but never will it be because of how hard you've tried.

When it happens, it happens.

You just have to wait.

I have to wait...

Sunday, January 10, 2016

I thought i'll never come back here as often as i am but i am. 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

I expected more than that.

I wanted you to say that you like the present without having me to ask.

I wanted you to ask how much time i spent on making it.

I wanted you to ask about the process of making it.

But all that didnt happen.

I dont know if you really like the present or not.

I dont feel it.

Because i think if someone's to like a present, the person will be curious to know more about the present.

But i guess clearly it doesn't matter much.

I've put a lot of heart and soul into making it, but if you don't wanna know then i wont say it.

I expected more. And my expectation is what killed me. It's not your fault.

Maybe the feelings you had towards me are gone.

Maybe you've already found someone better.

I just have to believe that God made another one of me to love you better than i ever will.

I will say that i'm fine with that and yet you're the only one who knows i lied.





Self-centeredness. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

It's obvious you're meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep
But I'll never show it on my face

I'll try not to show it on my face..

I wonder if it ever will change
I'm living for that day, someday

Monday, January 4, 2016

Why is it that i'm not able to respond to what my heart wants? 


I'm just really damn sad right now...

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