Thursday, December 29, 2011
Brian Sng Wen Hao I'm bad with words. Really really bad with words.
I still can't stop thinking about it... i mean i feel happy when we're having our conversations, i just wanna know if its real.. AHHHHHH so much going through my mind just now when i was going to hougang mall to get the plasticine. this feeling is kinda suckish. There are so many words that i just can't form into a proper sentence in my mind, and i can't stop myself from saying it. Usually it'll make me feel stupid but i just hope that someone can at least understand 50% of what im saying, that's enough for me. Even if u try to understand, that's enough for me. I just need someone to listen, someone who's patient enough to wait for me until i form a proper sentence..
Brian
9:30 PM
I feel that i gotta say this, at least to myself. I'm kinda afraid to take the initiative now. "Once bitten, twice shy" i got bitten twice, does that mean i'm 4x as shy? It's always expected that guys must take the first step, but i'm scared. I'm scared that i get bitten again. What if things doesn't turn out the way you imagined? Or at least things took a wrong turn... having to start all over again isn't fun, at all. Somehow i think its real, but i'm the type that would let my feelings cloud my judgement. So i can't be too sure over this matter. Especially when she treats everyone equally nice. And by "nice", i mean very nice. There's always something to talk about with her and you'll feel that it is a very enjoyable conversation. At least for me. In my eyes, she treats me very nicely, but from other people's point of view, she treats me the same as how she treats them, nothing special. She's different from alot of girls i know, maybe it all started because of this? but i didn't see the other part of it, she treats everyone the same. I just don't know, so confused about this matter.
I'll have to think more about it... whether i treat her as a very good friend, or is this feeling real...
This post has been published with the assumption that i think that no one reads my blog anymore.
Brian
7:54 PM
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Been thinking about what Xavier said, I hope its not true though...
Brian
12:59 AM
Alright finished dota-ing with guowei and yuherng! the yeo brothers already playing so couldn't ask them to play, SIAN! oh well, i still have 4weeks! 4weeks to NS! wah sian everytime i think of that i'm sian, but should i be? i mean its a new environment i have to adapt to and may have the chance to talk to other people about Christ! Shouldn't that be a happy thing? maybe its the running and the training that turns me off. Oh well, TIME TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT!
i kinda realised something, everyone's always super TIRED during meeting. HAHA kept yawning and yawning and yawning and I JUST YAWNED AGAIN! ARGHHH its a sign i gotta sleep soon. there's gonna be frisbee tomorrow and prayer meeting in the night yay! i really gotta go for prayer meeting whenever i can. its really a good way to pray for people u don't know in the church. somehow u get to know them better as well :D
had a nice htht with xavier just now. went to the little green space behind my house after gym and yeah many things changed! Although we might have differing views on some stuff but hey! i just realised how much xavier knows about me. since p5, it has been 9 years since i've known him. WOW 9 YEARS! nxt year den decade le HAHA old friends lo. but yeah we had a really nice chat about how we should view certain stuff and i really enjoyed it. At least i've said it out now and i feel really good. I really shouldn't tell people about this though, if my cover is blown. den gg. really gg.
well maybe i'll have a nice htht with weimin laoshi soon :D
Brian
12:23 AM
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
yay! back from an awesome day yet again! went for witness day in the mornz and i was teamed up with lingchung and zhihao! well i hadn't attended tracting sessions for quite a long time and so they did most of the talking in the end haha! Made me realise that there really are alot of unsaved souls out there and its out mission and duty to spread this good news to everyone! But first, there's homework to be done! Getting to know about other religions and learning how to speak dialect!
After that we went to jiaying's house for the bbq, alright i was wrong. ITS MORE FUN TODAY! :D haha they laughed at my prayer la=.= but yeah it was pretty funny la LOL den there was zhong ji mi ma! yiliang sad case, kena 4 times PHAIL! but that's why yiliang is interesting as well! at least there isn't much food wastage! enjoyed myself thoroughly today, really! especially the lightsticks part, hey its my first time doing things like this so cut me some slack! i'm still kinda noob :D It was a simple one but as long as they like it?! its worth it! hehe i hope we have as much fun as we did today during the YF retreat. I'm sure we will! Jireh gonna bring guitar, that's the main part of fun for me heh :D
when is hudson getting my classic white ultrastar?!
Brian
12:29 AM
Monday, December 26, 2011
Don't treat me too well, I'll fall for you...
Brian
12:06 AM
Sunday, December 25, 2011
hmm so ytd was an awesome day! gym-ed in the morning, frisbee in the afternoon (despite of the rain!) and christmas party-ed at uncle david's house in the night. AWESOME! especially in the afternoon cos hudson, sheng, teng and me did some trickshots! so fun! and i threw one long distance shot. I can't imagine myself playing real ultimate frisbee though. i get tired just by throwing CASUALLY G_G oh well...
today was gan en hui! all the presentations were super cute! from little kids to adults, almost every age group performed except for YOUTHS! WHY NO YOUTHS?! i cant't really think of what we can do on stage anyway so yeah HAHA den choir gathering at limei laoshi's house in the afternoon. And u bet i was surprised with who turned up! Prof Chun and Shixin! (in a good way of course=.=) felt so thankful that they are actually thinking of serving God in different ministries! had a great time there talking and laughing together, and of course EATING THE STEAMBOAT WHICH WAS IMBA NICE! i guess the steamboat at jiaying's place tomorrow wun be as nice... NO OFFENCE! HAHA but ya cos limei laoshi and jingrong laoshi gt this special steamboat thing that can bbq stuff at the side and YEAH we ate alot of meat heh heh^^
Well, back to that thing again. i really feel i'm going crazy sometimes. Maybe i know the reason why God hasn't allowed it yet, maybe because it is something that would distract me from going to church and spend more time serving God? or maybe i haven't put Him at the topmost priority in everything i do. I really don't know. You know i could always end it by getting rejected and i'll forget even easier and faster. But i feel that's not the right thing to do for now. Besides, it'll mean i'm selfish and it would be super awkward between us. I just hope God gives me a sign as to what i should do or maybe some hints on what i should do. One biggest question i have in my mind right now - to continue or not. i could tell myself to forget her and eventually i really will. ARGH I DUNNO. that's why i'm going crazy...
i still think nobody would read this anymore...
Brian
10:04 PM
Friday, December 23, 2011
okay! went for bible study(chinese) for the first time today! thought it would end at 930 but there were questions and it ended at 10pm instead. To be honest, i was abit frustrated at first because i wanted to go home early, to feed autumn and try and sleep early. but after hearing some of the sharing and answers to the questions it kinda changed. and its really through walking closer with God that we are able to prepare ourselves in the 2nd coming of Christ. Because it was in chinese i couldn't really concentrate and i felt some of the points were repeated den i went to think about other things :P
On another note. I'M SUPER MAD AT MYSELF! it has further proven that i'm very easily distracted by it and i ask myself again and again. Am i going to church for the correct reasons? I really want to listen and read more about God's words but when i'm there reading and listening to it, i get distracted. VERY EASILY. argh, how i wish i could get rid of this feeling once and for all. return back to my heartless self. so that i don't have to feel some of the unnecessary things which is getting in my way. In a way, i feel like i may do something rash like i did the previous 2 times. I really need to find someone to talk to asap, maybe weimin laoshi. i'm sure she can give me some pretty good advice.
Psalm 25:17 "Relieve the troubles of my heart, and free me from my anguish."
Brian
11:43 PM
went to run just now! only just to realise that they are doing some construction work on the track behind the community club. so in the end i went to run around all the hdb buildings and hey! i survived! haha at least i ran for awhile, which i haven't been doing for months. and NS is in one month! G_G
Somehow i feel i still can't differentiate my emotions, whether i treat someone as a friend or as something more? or how do i define a close friend? maybe i just treat you like a close friend like how you treat me. i tend to reciprocate how people treat me, i guess that's good in a way? but yeah i can be nasty at times too. well i'll need more time, to forget and to make things clear to myself.
Brian
11:53 AM
Thursday, December 22, 2011
What did i say about today? Slack at home? NO WAY! in the end i went out for lunch and i just came back from frisbee. WUTTTTT! super fun-filled day, especially frisbee time!
You know i've always had something for frisbee trick shots after watching brodie smith throw some sick trick shots. Yeah there's no way i can ever be as good as him but hey! i threw a frisbee into the basketball hoop at the 3-point mark, den hudson threw in one at the 3-point mark. Den for some unknown reason he threw one at the half-court and it WENT IN?! den i tried as well. and i SUCCEEDED TOOO! YAYYY! haha BUT main thing was sheng's shot. both me and hudson threw a hammer but this sheng ah, he threw one backhand and it WENT IN. Guess what? he threw it from 3/4 court. WUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! madness. but it can be done!
I hope i can do it as well...
Brian
10:52 PM
Just woke up after sleeping for 10hours?! thats a record since i dunno when, but its been a long time since i slept that long. Finally there's a day i can slack at home! Play some dota, watch some shows, and maybe i'll hit the gym later. See how bah, feeling awake already. But ah that's always how i feel when i wake up even though i'm tired. weird max.
Make me a blessing to someone today...
Brian
9:59 AM
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Just got back from church. For the first time, i went to prayer meeting. It really further proved to me that our prayer life is a very important part of our spiritual growth. I wasn't very awake throughout the whole meeting, but i think i've gotten some of the main points. Our prayer is often very self-centered?
We are always praying for our own will and not God's will.
We pray for the things we desire rather than for God's plan to be fulfilled in our lives.
We pray for ourselves more than we pray for others.
There's really alot of lessons i have to learn in my prayer life.
With regards to that matter again, i think i won't ever stop praying about it? It just comes back to me every now and then. Bugging me every now and then. To be honest, the more i think about it, the more i feel its my fault and not yours. i mean it is my fault in the first place to not control myself. Even when i knew of certain facts, i still never gave up hope. I guess there are some things which is better giving up. I don't know. As much as i want to forget about it, i know that shouldn't be what i should pray for. I should pray that i can follow God's plans for me and not asking Him to help me forget. But there's always a part of me wishing that i can forget asap? Maybe its because i think its the fastest way to take away the pain. I guess the others are right. I'm just too ignorant.
I still think nobody reads this blog though... i hope i'm right...
Brian
11:22 PM
You know just awhile ago, i was feeling very bad. very very bad. I don't really know what word to use though, "bad" doesn't seem to be a good representative of what i was feeling. Why i felt like that? Yeah you guessed it, about that thing again.
i asked myself the same questions that i asked myself a few days back, whether i'm having the right heart and motive in God's work. Yeah on the outside i may be serving the Lord and all, but am i having the right heart? You know the more i ask these questions, the more doubt i have. So is it really okay to ask yourself this question? I felt really bad about myself, always being so weak in this particular area. On one hand, i wanna forget. Forget this feeling, forget everything so that i may serve the Lord whole-heartedly. But on the other hand, its really difficult to forget? I mean its not something that happens overnight. And along the way, struggles never end.
But you know, this really showed me how powerful a prayer is. i prayed about this matter and i really felt better. Its not that i prayed to ask God to help me forget, but its more of asking God to examine my heart constantly so that i may continue to walk on this narrow path.
i wish i could forget though...
Brian
1:08 PM
WOAHHH! first time going out till so late in the MORNING! 3+ den reach home sia. really a first and with BASICs somemore. ownnnnnn! :D ate some imba food at bukit timah? i only know the food was imba and i ate alot. as in ALOT. So after that we party world-ed and i kept hogging the mic. ahhhhhhh my voice is still feeling kinda weird. COULD'VE SANG HIGHER MAN! if not for the sore throat and the noise i made when we were eating haha but was fun though! tm was the most epic one. Imba range sia wutttttttt.
Somehow i haven't met the tards for a very very long time. everyone's got army and i can't join them on weekends even if there are any outings. Maybe this saturday can though, but next weekend i dun think i can join them for the countdown. ok MAYBE.
Sometimes, i wish there was someone i could talk to about everything(apart from God that is). I guess i just have to wait and see what God's plans for me are. It will be the best, i know it.
Brian
11:37 AM
Monday, December 19, 2011
alright! went with some of the brothers to the gym today and i can't seem to be able to lift as heavy as last time. siannnnn guess i gotta train more and get it back.
feeling super tired now. gotta go recce the place for the YF retreat. I hope it doesn't rain! but i'll still leave it to God to decide that. Hopefully everything goes well tomorrow, we will get to see the place and have a good discussion about the games. Its kinda important this time round cos the sec4s are coming as well so i really want to integrate them into the youths so that they wun feel like a stranger. I mean the youths are a crazy bunch too!
So it seems like this feeling keeps tagging along wherever i go and i can't seem to shake it off. Its really hard i guess but trials like that never end. I just gotta learn from it and prepare myself for similar trials like that in the future.
alright time to sleep soon. cui already...
Brian
10:21 PM
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I don't think anyone is gonna read this. Since the last time i made a post was in March 2010? i guess blogs isn't really the "in" thing nowadays but nonetheless i'm still gonna make a post today. I guess the family camp this year has been a very good camp for me. The sermons i heard really questioned my heart and faith. I sincerely hope that i'm able to keep this with me in my daily life.
You know sometimes when a brother/sister comes up to you and ask if you're free to talk? Then you continue a conversation discussing about things that you aren't able to discuss with ur other friends? Having a conversation with someone who believes in the same things as you is really really comforting. Because you that you're not alone, and by the fact that there's someone whom you know keeps you in prayer is already comforting. I really enjoy these conversations and i thank God for that.
More and more people have been coming up to me saying its obvious. I don't know if its the way i talk to her or the the way i treat her or for whatever reasons. But,one thing is for sure, as long as it doesn't affect my heart for God. I think its still okay? i really need to talk to someone who has experienced this to tell me what to do. Meanwhile, i'll continue praying and put my hope in God that He'll lead me in this aspect of my life. Another question i have is also, does she know? You know, i have the courage to post this because i assume that nobody reads my blog anymore so it really serves as a place for me to type my thoughts out...
Brian
9:21 PM
