Another week has passed just like that. Went for a theory lesson for dog training today and as a result, I missed church. That made today a super relaxed day, practically stayed home the entire day and slept a lot. Feeling kinda awake now, but I know I've gotta sleep soon.
Nothing's been happening much lately. I've also been going through the motions and keeping myself occupied. Though I gotta say there's a small dilemma that I'm thinking about recently. Do I really want a partner or not? I gotta admit that it feels vastly different now. I used to feel butterflies in my stomach when I'm talking to the girl I liked, I used to see the good things that being in a relationship will give. It all feels different now, I see it more as something bad. There are so many factors of uncertainty, how can I be sure that it'll work out, how can I be sure that it won't be so bad that I'll take another 3years just to feel like myself again? How do I convince myself that, marriage can be a good thing? It doesn't seem that way anymore, it just feels like it is something that's meant to be good but will never be. So why will I want that?
I thought that today I'll be back early but I ended up heading out with my sister and brother in law for dinner. Fed Bean before we headed out for dinner and he's a lot calmer today. Less tendency of biting. Maybe the trick really is to tire him out, but that'll tire me out too haha
There's been a lot of thoughts in my mind recently. I like where my life's at right now. And because of that, I find myself being very resistant towards change. I'll admit that I feel the same way towards positive change as well. I attribute that towards the uncertainty of the change as it is happening. I always feel that change will be for the worse after all the events that happened in the past few years. At the end, will I be missing out on good things because I was afraid to pursue them?
Missed a post last night because I got back home a little too late and I had some important things to discuss with some of my friends. Today I met up again with the same bunch to do a run. So I only spent morning time with Bean.
I have a lot of things on my mind now. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have time to arrange my thoughts to type something out here. It's really too late now and I feel like I've been lacking sleep. So I'll continue tomorrow.
CNY off in lieu today and it's back to work tomorrow. Today went by pretty quickly. Pretty much just slept through most of the day and didn't accomplish much. Somehow I'm looking forward to going back to work because I want to get back into that routine. It's gonna be a long day tomorrow, with gym after work. That's always fun though, and I get to see the usual peeps.
Bean's been really big on the playbiting recently. I'm getting way too many scratch marks and cuts from his biting. I need to figure what triggers him, or understand what he wants or needs. When he's sleeping, he's so calm and peaceful but when he wakes up, he's still a monster. I have the responsibility towards him though. It's tough.
There's a lot to think about recently. I'm starting to feel like I don't have the time or energy to certain stuff. I need time to myself to process certain things. Need more space to myself. I want to find energy to be focused and awake for most of the day, even that is tough. I've been sleeping so much over this weekend it's pretty insane. So much time lost. I'll figure it out slowly, but surely.
Just got back. Today was nice. Got a nice nap in the afternoon after an intense morning. Played bball with the usual peeps and it felt good today. I was hitting my shots. I worked really hard for my shots to be more consistent so I'll own that today. It reminded me that training is all about repetitions and familiarity, but on top of that, it's about confidence. When I took those shots today, I knew what was gonna happen. I knew how much space I needed, how it should feel on my fingers, how the ball should roll off my fingertips, how my feet should be placed, how I should jump, where my eyes should be looking at. It's so intricate, it's so fascinating. That's just from a simple shot. There's gotta be so much attention to detail and knowing how to adjust to better it. This new found love I have for basketball came solely from being able to appreciate it down to the detail. If I were to pick it up before I started keeping fit, it wouldn't have hit the same way.
That being said, I realised another thing today as well. I'm usually rather adverse to playing against people I don't know. Partly because I'm afraid, partly because I don't know their limits, I don't want to start a fight. Today when they asked for a game, I wanted to sit out in the first one. When they called for the second set, I wanted to play. I figured that I don't like playing against people that I know completely nothing about. Their tendencies, their strengths, their weaknesses. I'm assessing these people before I want to play with them. It's odd, I've never thought about this way ever.
Okay anyway enough basketball. This morning during sunday school, we talked about Joseph. It's interesting because I never knew he was that irritating as a kid, which made him unlikeable among his brothers. The thing that evoked a lot of thoughts though, was that he remembered grudges against his brothers for 13 years till he forgave them. "Forgive and forget" how often have I heard this phrase. Truth is, it's easier to forgive than to forget. Some things you just don't forget, and I probably never will. Yet, the difference was that Joseph continued to obey God throughout his entire life. Even though he hasn't made it to a high position yet, he obeyed and did all that he was told. That to me was a pretty big hit. This made me think a lot during the sunday school class.
This long weekend feels really long for some reason. There's still Sunday and Monday. I know it's going to be over very soon and I'll look back on it and miss it. Maybe I'm just spending my time more wisely now? I don't know but anyway, Bean was calmer today which is great news! So I might have been feeding him a little and that's why he always bites our hands because that's usually where food comes. Also I'm not locking his crate at night no more and he still goes in there to sleep! Or at least, he was just 30min when I went to check on him. That also means that I don't have to wake up at 12am to bring him out to pee pee! That's so fantastic.
Tomrorow's Sunday and I'm heading to church once again. Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting different results. So I think I really need to assess what I want differently this time and work towards that. To be honest, I don't really know how I'm supposed to do it or what I'm looking for exactly. All I know is that God is real and He is the only one true and living God, but He isn't my God anymore. Yet, understanding and believing that all things come from Him, I know I ought to go back to Him. That's it. It's gonna be another tiring day tomorrow. Let's see what's in store for me tomorrow.
3rd day in a row, gotta thank my mum for feeding Bean at night. Tonight she didn't put him in his crate though, he was so crazy when we got home. Yet, the moment I put him in the crate, I think he realised he was tired so as usual there's no noise! I think he was quite okay today, still bites a lot though. Sigh, what should I do?
Went over to my aunt's place for TYF. The #badluckbrian streak continues. I really cannot gamble because everyone around me loses, it's insane. Food was good and I got to spend some time with my nephews. My cousin is doing a pretty good job at raising her kids. They listen well and don't throw tantrums out of nowhere. I'm quite impressed.
I've been thinking about how I've been keeping this up for the longest streak in a while. "This" refers to me blogging. It just feels therapeutic and it helps to note down certain things that happened in the day. It's a good "me time" thing to do. It's a nice way to end the day. Alright, bye.
Just got home from gym. Glad that my mum fed Bean and got him to sleep before I even came back home. I feel so relaxed! Just waiting for 12am where I'll bring him out to pee before I sleep. Just about 30min ago when I went into the kitchen, I could hear little sounds coming from his crate. Definitely sounded like he was dreaming again hahah cute.
Today was pretty normal so I shan't go into all the yada-yada. Tomorrow morning the trainer's finally coming! I have so many questions for her already. I just hope she allows me to bombard her with questions! It's only going to be for 1 hour so I really hope we can cover a lot. It's actually pretty expensive, that's why I'll need to pay extra attention tomorrow to learn how to be a better dog owner. Kinda excited, so I gotta sleep well tonight to feel extra fresh tomorrow!
Back again with the daily post on Bean's progress. I feel like in general he's more calm now and I'm able to redirect his attention to his chew toys whenever he starts biting. Though, he isn't responding to me when I've got no food with me. It'll be one of the questions that I'll ask the trainer on Wednesday. Although Bean learns really fast, his attention span is just way too short now. Plus, he still doesn't respond that much to his name!
Anyway, I didn't manage to post anything yesterday because I was just way too tired. Must've been a combination of dehydration plus exhaustion. It was so bad that it carried on till today. I was feeling muscle aches and I kept wanting to sleep. The thing was that my body hurt when I lied down so it wasn't easy to rest properly too. I really need to remind myself that resting is part of the training too. Tomorrow it's back to training so I've really got to sleep well tonight so that tomorrow's workout can be maximized.
Also, it feels great seeing some of the faces I haven't seen in a long time and speaking to them.
Went to the stars wars exhibit with the bball gang and it's really not bad. Merch are reasonably priced too. I'm pretty impressed that it was so interactive and engaging throughout the entire exhibit.
Had small little pockets to train Bean today. He bit me less today because I kept redirecting his attention to his toy, but still there were some moments where he bit me pretty hard. Overall, ain't a bad day, he was quite calm and it was easy to put him to bed. Once I put him in his crate, he plopped on his favourite blankie and was pretty relaxed. No crying today! In an hour's time, I've got to let him out for a pee trip and then he should be able to sleep till morning. He's learning little more commands too. When he is obeying these commands, he's usually a little bit more calm. Hopefully that becomes a norm for him soon. I wonder if I should be giving him more food actually. I think he eats A LOT now. He's starting to drink less water though, not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Let's see.
Having a puppy is so confusing. I'm constantly guessing what he wants by how he acts. And I've gotta monitor what's too little, what's too much. Going bonkers.
Checking in a lot earlier today. Came home before 7 and went down to practice shooting for about 1hour before coming home. After I finished dinner I had a pretty short training session with Bean (10-12min) and then fed him dinner. By the time he was done, he followed me around for a bit then went into his crate to sleep! So he's in bed at 930pm which I'm just extremely happy with! He's energy wasn't that high and it may be because my sister came today and gave him attention so his so much more calm today. Maybe tonight I can get him to wake up and pee at 12am then I can sleep for a longer stretch. Let's see!
I can't wait for the weekends though. I feel like I need to catch up on some sleep. How do parents do it? Bean isn't even that tough to manage at night and I feel especially tired already. It really is a good learning process. Looking forward to have the trainer come over next wednesday so that she can give me even more pointers to guide Bean to be an obedient dog. I really want to bring him out to walk soon, but at the same time he has to learn how to follow my lead.
Please let this be a good year. The energy has been low for too long.
I do see a little hope this year though.
Didn't have much time for Bean today. Came home and he was kinda already chilling by himself. Left him in the crate at around 1145 and thankfully he cried only a little. Maybe he really is getting better. Considering that he was alone for most of the day today, without getting his energy expended, he really did a great job. I just felt like I didn't have enough training time with him today, just the one in the morning before I went to work.
On a separate topic, I saw her today. 3 years of going to bishan to run, to gym, I never once saw her. Yet it happened today. It feels the same. When I saw her, anger skyrocketed. I felt that rage all over again. It's odd to think that this is also the same week that I decided that I want to join sunday school and go to church on sunday. Had a brief talk with my mum too. She was tired so I didn't let the conversation run for too long. There was some truth in what she says. But some things, I still don't agree with. It may just be me being stubborn, but I may be right as well. There's just one thing though. You can hate a dead person right? I don't agree that a dead person is unable to evoke emotions from me. I can still hate a person for what she's done when she's alive ain't it?
Checking in pretty late today because I just came home at around 1030 after gymming. Did a little training session with Bean and felt like he doesn't respect my authority at all. I really need him to be calm around me, but right now it's still that hyperactive side of him that I see whenever I'm around. How? How do I get him to respect my authority and trust me so that he will be calm? It's so frustrating all the time and yet I have to be calm and authoritative when I'm interacting with him. No raising of voices, every single command must be firm, yet I got to do it in a loving manner because he feels it too.
Usually when I put him back in his crate, he cries for a while before he stops. It's not barking, but more like whimpering. So today I tried to stay around even after I put him in his crate for him to sleep. There he went, proving me wrong again. He started with whimpering, then it became louder and louder till it became unbearably loud. So I opened up the crate, said "NO" in the most firm and calm manner that I could. He softened a little. Seconds after I walked away, he reverted back into crying loudly. This absolutely forced my hand, I opened up the crate, said "NO" again and hit him. I can't care about whether this will make him aggressive or not anymore, I had to discipline him there and then. This action of hitting him, I did twice and after the 2nd time, he stopped almost immediately. I don't know if I did the wrong thing. Perhaps I won't know it for the next few months, but I knew that if he did something wrong, I had to make it known to him so that I can guide him. We shall see.
He's currently in his crate, not making a single noise since just now. I think that's a good thing? Sigh, I really just wish he'd listen to me more. On another note, work was pretty busy today. Usually I'd have time to talk to my colleagues, like just random chit chat but today was wewwww ain't catching a break. Overall, I'd still say today was a pretty good day though.
Day 15 with Bean. Today was a learning experience once again. Left Bean alone for the entire afternoon. I actually don't think he was very very excited all the time today. Super impressed with my mum too, she made a lot of good decisions that I would never have thought of. She turned a pigeon hole so that its opening is facing the wall, this way Bean won't have a chance to bite the things in it. She closed the kitchen doors entirely so that he won't see the living room and try to go out. Super super happy that she made those choices, it made me worry less when I was at work.
There were still some damage though. He tore through a part of the carpet that we left in his crate for comfort! So now I've removed it from him, but I don't blame him cos it's part of his teething stage. I can always get another carpet, that ain't a problem. Definitely made full use of the time tonight to train him. It was the first thing I did when I came home. I can't lose sight of this and give up, I really want to train him to become the obedient dog that I want him to be.
The issue now is that he still gets overly excited way too easily. I need him to be calm and composed. I've read somewhere that dogs can sense our energy and they react the same way too. Do I have a bad energy now? I really gotta learn how to be more patient and calm so that Bean can feel the same way too. I need to improve on myself, and right now Bean is showing me where I should be improving on and how I should improve. I should try my best to work on that.
The next 2 days I'll probably have much less time to do training with him. I'll be doing training on my own so I'll be back home late. I hope he remembers what I thought him today and he will continue to learn that he needs to be calm. Meanwhile, yes I shouldn't worry so much. It's a phase, he's a puppy, I need to give him time and stop being so difficult on myself.
