So I've been in somewhat of a rut recently. For those who know me well, this rut has been more or less here for the past 2 years. This is gonna be a series of posts(maybe?) that I touch on certain aspects of my life at this moment in time. Or maybe even some perspectives that I have on life right now.
THE ONE
In the past two years, I've seen so many of my close friends either getting married or getting attached. Even those who said that career came first has found someone. These are some of my closest friends, and I'd still care for them as any close friend would. I go through the process of being extremely upfront with them about their emotions, I'd do a screening test to see if these people are a right fit for them and I don't want them to get hurt in the process. Some do work out and are in the more stable stages and I am so so genuinely happy for them.
Then I look at myself and can't help but to compare. Screw all that bullshit when people say don't compare. Comparison can be a healthy thing, although it's more often not. Truth is, people around me who I care about are slowly but surely moving forward in life. When they are moving forward and I'm not, that makes me think that I have problems. And I do. I have to be completely honest with myself, "what do I have to offer?" For those who might be reading this, here's a simple exercise. Imagine you've got a sister, will you introduce her to me? I think that's the easiest way to prove a point. I'm quite sick and tired of people telling me, "Don't give up hope, keep trying. You're a good guy. You're a nice guy. You'll find someone good enough for you someday." Let's be real, all that is a whole load of crap. That's not gonna help me in any way. Tell me what's wrong with me. Even when no one does, deep down inside I know what's wrong with me. If there's anyone I put under a microscope to spot all the flaws, that'll be myself. But I don't have to courage to acknowledge it as a problem and work on it. I don't have to be accountable to anyone for these problems I have.
We all know that the whole point is to find someone so that 1+1=3 or 4 or perhaps even 10. When that happens, it's something that is so amazing. That's what I hope for too. I'm glad that there are some people who actually believe in me and set me up with people they know. Not matter people are willing to vouch for me that way and I truly am thankful and appreciative of that. But I think that a person needs to be fortunate enough to find someone else who is compatible and willing to walk that journey together.
All in all, I'm really ranting about this because I've never ever had any luck when it came to finding someone. Yet I've had tons and tons of people telling me that I'm a nice guy, I'll find someone. At least for me, saying those words didn't make me feel better. It just leaves me with more questions. As much as I always put on a brave front of saying how I enjoy singlehood or that I won't get married, deep down I truly long for someone I can share my life with. This is just me being absolutely honest. Being honest might bring more pain sometimes, but I've really got nothing much to lose at this point. So, what the heck.
