Monday, October 26, 2020
PURPOSEIf you're on my "close friends" list on instagram, you would have seen countless of posts of me ranting about work. Work has been absolutely crazy for the past few months. Company going through an expansion, more workload, coupled with bad planning from management, ridiculous demands from managers, human errors, all of these with an extremely tight schedule. That is extremely stress-inducing.
It all started with one sentence my big boss said to me sometime in April. I had forgotten to follow up on certain issues and I admit that it was my fault. It was hard for me to follow up on things when I wasn't able to go to the office. So he said, "If this is the case, then why am I hiring you as an engineer, I might as well hire a technician." This was said during the morning meeting where my managers and fellow engineers were all present. This short sentence affected me more than I thought it would. It started spiraling down from there.
Some backstory about my boss, he's had some bad reputation among the fellow engineers that I work with. They told me that he's a boss that doesn't protect his own people. During meetings he would be questioned by other managers and will turn around to question his own people instead of defending them. Engineers who have worked long enough have seen him nitpick on someone until they leave, just so that he can bring in his own people - people whom he's worked with in previous companies. He likes to taunt people and seldom tries to understand things on the ground. His mentality is very simple, if I've got a problem, I will deflect it to my engineers. At the end of the day, the method is not important, as long as the problem is solved. That's just how he is.
I have 2 managers and this big boss, only 1 of them said "thank you" when I was able to produce what they wanted. The other 2 have said it before, but I believe I could tell that it was just manners, it wasn't sincere at all. As such, the morale in the department and I dare say the company, has been the lowest it's ever been. People have been talking about quitting and moving on to another opportunity. Here comes the sad fact, most of them have commitments and some would just rather suck it up than to find another job. This is when I started to think for myself. If I were to switch, it'd have to be now because I'm not tied down by anything.
I know I'm not cut out to be an engineer. 6months into this job, I've realised that. I figured I'd stay and try things out since this is my first job after all. I didn't want to be a quitter, I wanted to learn how to work at a place I didn't like and in a job I found no fulfilment in. With all that has happened in the past 6 months, I know it's time for me to take a leap of faith.
The fact is this, no matter how much I don't want work to define me, it does. When we were students, we were going to school for at least 7hours a day. Work requires us to give it 9-10hours a day, that defines our life to a great extent. There needs to be a purpose in work, there needs to be a healthy challenge so that we can continue to improve as a person through work. Right now, all I'm feeling is misery and dread. I have no idea why I'm going to work everyday, it's not making me a better person. If anything it's making me worse because I always feel anxiety before going to work. I sleep late because I know once I wake up, it's gonna be to go to work. I feel anxiety when my phone vibrates because it could be a text from a work groupchat saying that my machines are experiencing some issues. This can happen late at night or during the weekends, it simply doesn't matter. I'm always on edge about morning meetings because, what if my big boss questions me and I don't have an answer for it, is he gonna compare me to a technician again? All these things brings my mood down and drains my energy. Some things, are slowly losing its meaning and joy.
I've had days where food was mere sustenance. I haven't been able to enjoy music as I once would for months now. Games felt boring to me. I'd be binge watching youtube for hours and hours as I laid in my bed, simply letting time pass. A sense of purpose is absent, very absent in my life right now. Maybe I've lived too long like this, just sucking it up and working a job that I feel is meaningless. To the point where I couldn't see how much it was affecting me and eating me up inside. I used to think work is just something I'd have to endure to be able to enjoy certain things that money can buy. I'm beginning to think differently. Work is one of the things that gives a person meaning and purpose.
Brian
10:48 PM
So I've been in somewhat of a rut recently. For those who know me well, this rut has been more or less here for the past 2 years. This is gonna be a series of posts(maybe?) that I touch on certain aspects of my life at this moment in time. Or maybe even some perspectives that I have on life right now.
THE ONE
In the past two years, I've seen so many of my close friends either getting married or getting attached. Even those who said that career came first has found someone. These are some of my closest friends, and I'd still care for them as any close friend would. I go through the process of being extremely upfront with them about their emotions, I'd do a screening test to see if these people are a right fit for them and I don't want them to get hurt in the process. Some do work out and are in the more stable stages and I am so so genuinely happy for them.
Then I look at myself and can't help but to compare. Screw all that bullshit when people say don't compare. Comparison can be a healthy thing, although it's more often not. Truth is, people around me who I care about are slowly but surely moving forward in life. When they are moving forward and I'm not, that makes me think that I have problems. And I do. I have to be completely honest with myself, "what do I have to offer?" For those who might be reading this, here's a simple exercise. Imagine you've got a sister, will you introduce her to me? I think that's the easiest way to prove a point. I'm quite sick and tired of people telling me, "Don't give up hope, keep trying. You're a good guy. You're a nice guy. You'll find someone good enough for you someday." Let's be real, all that is a whole load of crap. That's not gonna help me in any way. Tell me what's wrong with me. Even when no one does, deep down inside I know what's wrong with me. If there's anyone I put under a microscope to spot all the flaws, that'll be myself. But I don't have to courage to acknowledge it as a problem and work on it. I don't have to be accountable to anyone for these problems I have.
We all know that the whole point is to find someone so that 1+1=3 or 4 or perhaps even 10. When that happens, it's something that is so amazing. That's what I hope for too. I'm glad that there are some people who actually believe in me and set me up with people they know. Not matter people are willing to vouch for me that way and I truly am thankful and appreciative of that. But I think that a person needs to be fortunate enough to find someone else who is compatible and willing to walk that journey together.
All in all, I'm really ranting about this because I've never ever had any luck when it came to finding someone. Yet I've had tons and tons of people telling me that I'm a nice guy, I'll find someone. At least for me, saying those words didn't make me feel better. It just leaves me with more questions. As much as I always put on a brave front of saying how I enjoy singlehood or that I won't get married, deep down I truly long for someone I can share my life with. This is just me being absolutely honest. Being honest might bring more pain sometimes, but I've really got nothing much to lose at this point. So, what the heck.
Brian
12:49 AM
Tuesday, October 6, 2020
Always back here when I have internal dialogues.
I'm turning 28 soon. I've been thinking a lot about the next phase of life.
It's somewhat common for everyone to follow a certain progression.
Studies > Work > Marriage > Family > Retirement(?)
I'm currently in the work phase and naturally the next phase would be marriage.
But as of right now, no luck.
So I've been thinking about this lately. Maybe I'm just so closed up that I can't let anyone that close again. I know the straightforward answer is to open up more, but that's not so easy anymore. It's hard to meet someone now. If that's already tough, how am I supposed to find the needle in the haystack?
Perhaps I'm really not cut out for this. It might not be in the plan that I will find someone. I'm not sure either. It's not like I don't want it. If I find someone who's right for me, it can be one of the most beautiful things in the world. But that's if I find someone like that. Logically speaking, who doesn't want that special someone? I'd want someone like that too.
Perhaps I was dealt a good hand and threw those cards away. Now I'm left with bad cards in the deck and no matter how I draw, it'll never be good again. If life was a game, how should I continue to play this?
Brian
10:01 PM
