Monday, October 28, 2019
My sister really got married.
People who are close to me knows that I share a room with my sister. It has been that since 26 years ago. We've had many memories together because of that. I used to disturb her when we were supposed to be sleeping (this was when we were wayyy younger). We did homework together, we listened to Westlife and 5566 on the same CD player, we'd play toys together in our room too.
But as we grew older, we started wanting our own space. Either one will be out in the living room, and the other in our bedroom. We grew really distant, we weren't talking much and were practically non-existent in each other's personal lives. That was when we got support from friends and not family.
After going into army, family became more important in my life. Sometimes I'd feel like i wanted to talk to my sister but it was hard because i knew nothing about her. Time flew by when we were in uni and we've been through a lot after that phase. She started confiding in me because parents were doubtful of her life choices. That was when i felt the urge that i had to support her as an older brother. We started talking a lot more and when she left for Japan, i really missed her a lot.
Fast forward till today, I think we all make mistakes. For the good and for the bad. It's how you see through it till the end. I really wish the best for you, ah mei (this is how i usually call her). It's gonna be exciting as you step into this next phase of life. I'm really gonna miss having another person in the room, someone to talk to when I need to let my heart speak, someone who trusts me enough to want value my advice, someone who will sing with me on those late nights.
Now the room is mine, and mine to re-design, I'll definitely make it such that there'll be a place for you to sleep in the room whenever you're back. I'm really really happy for you. Today was a really special day for me too. Now that you're Jessica Ong, you can't forget that we're still siblings no matter what.
Wedding days are so hectic and so tiring. We need to rethink wedding days as a society, oh my gosh. Then again wedding days really put the focus on the newly wed and i think that's nice. If i made today slightly more about me, I wouldn't have been able to be happy.
Brian
12:32 AM
Saturday, October 12, 2019
Back home.
What an episode it's been for the past 2 weeks.
It was all down till the 7th day after op before it started going up.
I'm so thankful for the people who took time to come down, especially those who did multiple times.
Thankful to my sister especially, for coming down just accompanying me for such long hours almost everyday.
If I really think about it, the past year's been really crazy. This episode was one of the bigger things which happened and yet again, gave me another perspective of life.
Some things really can't be taken for granted. I didn't know if I was gonna get better or not.
I'm really glad I did.
It's weird. There's an empty feeling when I came back home.
It should be a happy thing, yet there was a certain familiarity to the ward I was in.
When I was starting to recover, I had more energy to talk to the doctors and nurses who were taking care of me.
They really took good care of me, especially the nurses.
I've never been so helpless in my life. I needed someone to unbutton my shirt so I could bathe.
That was a really weird feeling.
Towards the end of everything, it felt like staying in a chalet with friends around me.
That was awesome, and now I'm back to being alone, doing my own stuff at home.
Oh gosh, why am I so needy?
One of the nurses asked why I looked a little sad when I was being discharged.
I guess this is why. They've been real nice to me.
Brian
10:15 PM
Monday, October 7, 2019
12th day.
Tube in the nose removed. Been pooping more, farted even. Doctor recommended to eat sweets, how could i say no? Sweets never tasted better. Had 250ml of liquids at night. So far so good.
When will I be discharged? I think most people asked me this question throughout my entire stay here. But this really isn't the most important thing. It's more crucial that I'm well and healthy enough on my own first. Honestly, i wouldn't even say i'm 50% yet. I'm still unable to take soft foods, i'm still on that nutrition drip, and i'm still having stomach pains once in awhile. Perhaps it's due to the bowel movements, perhaps it's due to hunger. I highly doubt it's due to hunger though. We'll have to see.
I just hope i continue to improve. I can't take this for granted anymore. Being able to pass motion and pass gas is a good sign that things are working. Being able to enjoy food really is a luxury. I miss that. I miss being healthy. So i'm really gonna do whatever i can to be healthy again.
Also, doc said earliest date of discharge is friday. I really doubt so, considering there are so many criteria to clear. We shall see. I need to be able to take solid food before they remove nutrition drip, then prove that I'm able to pass it out before they can allow me to go home. Lots of things left. And all these things take time. One step at a time.
Brian
9:43 PM
Sunday, October 6, 2019
11th day.
I've been having pains in the stomach from standing too long or after passing urine/motion.
It's affecting my daily walks. Well, I'm told that walking helps in bowel recovery so it's kinda frustrating that i'm unable to walk.
I had this pang of emotion yesterday that i couldn't stand this anymore. It was really scary.
There wasn't a position that was comfortable, my heart felt heavy and anxious, thinking about why isn't it getting better yet. Though it really lasted only for a little while. Had a short nap and i felt better after.
Staying in the hospital for this long really is getting worrying. Bowel sounds are still very very weak and faint. I've pooped but according to my cousin who's sorta a doctor, i should be feeling hungry as well if my bowels are moving.
Please, i beg of you my bowels. Please work, please wake up. You're the missing link. I know i gotta be patient and let you take your time. But hey, it'd be nice if you can speed things up slightly. It's time to work.
Brian
10:21 PM
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
This marks the end of my 7th day in the hospital.
I haven't said much today because they inserted a tube from my nose to the stomach to drain out fluids. It's supposedly to ease the stomach. I was told that if everything goes well, I could've left in 3-5 days. I had a lot of hope to return home within that time frame. Now that it's already the 7th day, I'm beginning to worry if it's something more. '
Honestly I don't mind the place. There are people to 'serve' you who are just one button away, facilities are fine, feels like there's air-con all the time, pretty lucky that i got a ward that's really quiet, nurses are nice. But staying here means one thing, I'm not well. It means that there's something wrong with me. Everything else hasn't hit me yet, this hits the hardest.
Why is it taking so long? Am I too weak? Is the issue bigger than what docs claim to be? Did the surgery go well? Am I not doing enough?
Seriously, what's wrong? It's so frustrating. I'm supposed to be healthy and strong, that's what i aimed to be for the past 2 years, and that all crumbled in a few days.
This is really getting to me. It's taking a toll on my soul and mind. It's taking a toll on the people around me too. I hugged my mum before she left, she cried. I didn't think I would too. Guess it's really tough but i just hadn't realise it.
I needed to rant. I needed to talk. I blame that tube down my throat.
Brian
11:06 PM
