Sunday, July 28, 2019
I have a love-hate relationship with loneliness.
I used to think that I'm an extrovert, but nah. I'm only kidding myself. You see, being alone has many perks. I can do whatever I want, eat whatever I want, sleep whenever I want. It's simple, things are just being done my way. No external disturbances, no effort needed to pay attention because people are tiring. I'd say over the past few months I'm starting to get used to loneliness again. I'd go to the gym alone sometimes, I'm having lunch breaks alone almost every day, working on my machines by myself, I'm doing stuff mostly alone, even when i'm at work. I've come to realise that it's easier to get in the zone when you're alone. There are times when I think that being alone ain't that bad after all.
You see, life gets tiring due to its complexity when people are involved. No two are the same. It takes a lot of effort and time and even chemistry to hit it off with people. And that is required from both parties. As long as one party is uninterested, there's no way anything can be formed. I've come to realise that and it's been much much easier with less people in my life. But, this becomes a problem, I'll always be in my bubble. I become the person who is uninterested in meeting new people, I'd really only want to spend more time with the people who I value, and vice versa.
It's become this state where I'd only put in effort for people whom I care about. I was never the type of guy who would initiate a conversation through text. I don't believe people can really connect through texting. It's just.. dead. Emotions are so limited by grammar or vocab or adjectives, there's other things like gestures, facial expressions, tone. That's what makes communication exciting and straightforward. Those people I'm comfortable hanging out with, are people I can trust and enjoy being with. These people are people who I've shared a special connection with, not just people who asks me about updates, but not wanting to get involved in my life. There are just so few that I'd feel comfortable with right now.
So, this is me being 'extroverted' because i desperately want to talk about something but there's no one who I feel comfortable with on unloading all these lameass shit. I literally got up from trying to sleep to type these stupid stuff. No wonder I've been having trouble sleeping. There are times when it's tough being alone.
Brian
10:54 PM
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
What's right and what's wrong?
A few years back I met this girl and we didn't even exchange many words, all we did was follow each other on twitter. We exchanged phone numbers because we wanted to talk about the group we both liked. It felt comfortable talking to her. Whatever she was going through, I could relate, I think that made it easier for us to talk.
For 2 years, we'd always talk when the group released a new album. Well, it always dies down together with the hype. We've never actually hung out until very much later. It started off weird. I wanted to have a study buddy, and in one of the conversations we had, she randomly mentioned she's studying outside. For some reason, I thought it'd be fun to join her. She was a person I barely knew so I won't be distracted and can focus on studying. Oh boy, was she cold. First time we studied together, we barely talked. Yet, it didn't feel awkward and at the same time, I didn't think much of it either. Looking back, it did feel mysterious.
I started to join her more for study sessions like this and it happened once a week. During those study sessions we'd periodically show each other stuff, chuckle and go back to studying. It was serious business, but I really enjoyed the company. Amidst all these, we started sharing more of our personal lives with each other and confided in each other. At this point in time, we were definitely getting closer but I still saw her as a friend.
After exams have ended, I thought it would've ended there. But we were so used to each other's company that we continued talking through text messages and went out a couple of times. So here's the thing, she wasn't a christian. Because of that, I kept suppressing my feelings inside. I wasn't supposed to date non-christians. I couldn't hold it in no more and I had to tell her how i felt. Of course, she didn't receive it well. I had to tell her that I couldn't be together with her because she wasn't a christian. It was too much for both of us after awhile and I decided to cut contact with her. Completely.
Things never were the same after. We continued talking after awhile but it was still too much for both of us. The thing with her is this, I've never felt so comfortable with a person. Everything seemed so natural and things just fell right in place that it felt like it was too good to be true. But it is true because it happened. Everything felt perfect except for the fact that she didn't believe in God.
So tell me, what's right and what's wrong?
If she ever reads this, I just wanna say that I wish I was more mature and would handle things better back then. I couldn't control my emotions well and I'm still learning. I've experienced something similar to what I made you go through and it's tough, I know now. Hopefully you've looked past it and can open up to other people. Even after all that happened, you're still someone very special to me. You brought out a better version of me. Only you've done that so far. All I can do now is hope that you're happy.
Brian
10:38 PM
