Sunday, June 23, 2019
This is for people from church who still care about me. It's so very self-entitled but I'm only brave enough to say it in this manner. I miss you guys, and because of that I'm so fucked up right now.
I was that cheerful, fun-loving guy who wanted to be nice to everyone. I always believed that people will be nice to me if I'm nice to them. Things are different now, I don't want to be nice to people anymore. I've learnt the hard way that reality works differently. No matter how well you treat people, it doesn't mean that they have to treat you the same.
So I struggle when I'm around someone new. I'm nonchalant, I don't give a shit about them because what for? That's what's happening when I go to geylang right now. On top of that, it only hurts even more because I get reminded that you guys are still at queenstown, and I'm not brave enough to go back. I know it'll only hurt more if I went back. Everything there reminds me of the exact thing I want to forget. I didn't want to leave. After all, it is a place that I grew up in, and a lot of you guys I grew up with. So fuck this shit.
Going to church has been a struggle. I don't see God in my life anymore. I don't see the purpose in going to church when I don't see God. Yet deep down I know He is the only solution to this problem I have called life. Mondays are usually when I feel most at peace. It's the furthest away from Sunday. Some Mondays it feels like I have to do the right thing and go to church the coming Sunday, but when weekend comes, all that gusto disappears and I start dreading it. I don't see God now, I see what I've lost.
What have i lost? Myself. I'm definitely a people's person. I am happy when I talk to people, I feel joy and comfort when people care. Right now I feel so alone sometimes that I'm wondering if I have depression. At least there's work on weekdays so I don't feel that alone, but weekends.. it's the worst when I'm just cooped at home. I go into that downward spiral of thinking that I used to be that person and knowing that I'll never be like that again.
If you're from church and you're reading this, please don't respond to that sudden urge of wanting to contact me, IF you feel that way. I won't be nice to you. After all, it has been so long. Life went on and will continue to go on. Those who cared/cares has contacted me before I made this post. I thank you all for that. Honestly, I don't know why i typed this out. My purpose of it isn't to gain sympathy or to hope that you guys will contact me. I just needed an outlet to say what's on my mind. If i keep it in for even longer, who knows when it'll implode?
My life is fucked up. Will I ever come back from this state? I honestly have no fucking clue.
Brian
9:21 PM
