Sunday, March 24, 2019
Things have been so confusing lately.
The question of 'Who and what am I living for?' keeps resurfacing.
Friends have said that I have to live for myself. Be selfish.
But how do I do that when the things I want are not within my control?
My life has always centered around people.
During my early childhood, I've been a disappointment to my parents and ostracised by classmates.
Since then, I've learnt that no one will have a happy life if hated by everyone.
So i craved for validation, for reaffirmation.
I love it when people say I'm good at something, when my efforts are being recognised. That makes things worth it. I want people to feel proud of me.
This is a huge problem because I don't live for myself.
When people don't recognise me, i start to second guess myself, to doubt myself.
And when things go south, I don't recover because I'm never confident of myself.
Recently, I'm beginning to see this more and more as a problem.
People's opinions can change, perspectives can change. What people think about you can change too.
It's too tiring trying to please everyone. It's too tiring being nice.
I don't see the need of putting in effort to initiate new relationships with people anymore.
I mean, what's the point when you don't know who they are?
I can put in a lot of effort because I think this person is worth it, then get disappointed and messed up all over.
Why not just put in effort with people who have been there? Whom i can trust?
I'm really not being pessimistic about people in general.
I'm still receptive to people initiating conversations with me.
It is just too tiring to initiating interactions with people I'm not close to.
Everyone has the same number of hours to live everyday.
Unless I'm put in a situation where I'm forced to get to know someone, I probably won't.
That really is just being realistic.
Brian
10:36 PM
