Wednesday, September 7, 2016
One year ago.
Exactly one year ago, i was forced to make a decision i knew was coming but never wanted to make. I was torn up and yet i was the one who forced myself into that situation.
I remember how i felt. I felt sad, guilty, angry, and then back to sad again. I questioned myself over and over again, asking why it had to turn out this way. I failed to see the bigger picture and i was so focused on what i could've done to prevent it from happening. Yet, no answer was found.
It wasn't like i couldn't see it coming. I was struggling with that issue for a very long time, thinking that eventually those feelings would fade. It only became stronger. I thought we could stay as friends. I thought wrong.
Immediately after, i went into a phase where i wanted to find answers, i was in search for myself. Yet, all that led to, was you. That had to change, but i didn't want to. I was trapped in thinking that there might never come another.
This entire process went back and forth a couple of times. Sometimes it lasted for awhile, sometimes it lasted longer. I hated nights where i would lie on my bed, just thinking, hoping that i'd make sense of everything that happened. Why it happened, what happened, how am i gonna live with this.
I would say i'm over it, but the fact that i still remember this date means it's not completely over. I still feel sorry for the damage i've done, but i dont feel guilt anymore. I still smile when i think about the good times we've had, but i don't wish for it anymore. I still wish that you'd be happy, but i don't see myself as the person making you happy anymore.
This time a year ago, i was crying. Probably the hardest i've ever cried. I cried because my heart actually ached really badly for the first time. That made it hard to forget. I remember having my mum's arms wrapped around me while her shoulder gradually became moist. I remember the decision i made one year ago.
Truth be told, i'm scared to see you now. If i ever bump into you, i wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't know what to say. I wouldn't know how to feel. If you were the same person that i'd known you to be, you'd be okay with me approaching you to talk. But maybe you've changed, so did i.
I'm confident that you're a stronger person now. I'm sure you have friends who were with you through this time as well, people whom you can confide in and people who knows how to comfort you. I don't know who you are now, or what you're doing. But i'm sure you're in a better position as compared to one year ago.
I hope you'd find another guy. A guy who loves you for who you are. A guy that understands your introverted mind, yet outgoing and fun personality. A guy that thinks you're special and accepts all your flaws. A guy who is able to take care of you even though that introverted side of you demands that you keep everything to yourself.
There might come a day where i might forget all the details, forget about all the things that we did together. Though i dont think i'll forget that it did happen.
I dont know how i'm gonna end this. My thoughts are pretty messy now so apologies if what you've read so far isn't coherent, i'm not good at articulating my thoughts. So, till another time.
Brian
11:44 PM
