Saturday, April 30, 2016
Today was a good day.
I wish there'll be more days like these.
And in the free fall, i will realise that i'm better off when i hit the bottom.
Because only when you hit the bottom, that's when you're able to start climbing back up.
Brian
12:43 AM
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
3/4.
Last paper tomorrow! Finally.
Just finished my cheatsheet and i'm glad i did it today cos it was some what of a forced revision.
Why am i always only focused on studying when nearing the exams? tsktsk this has to stop.
At least today was well spent and i managed to get a lot of things despite being tired after my early paper.
And pssst, i ate platypus today heh
That and i had some really nice hazelnut latte from spinelli.
Okay at this rate i'm gonna be real fat in no time.
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.
I used to not feel this stressed for exams but i guess things are kinda different now.
At least i won't be feeling the stress tomorrow onwards.
Really gotta take a step back and think.
Not going-in-a-loop kinda think but constructive thinking.
~
Remembering and reminiscing doesn't necessarily mean wanting things to go back to the way it was.
Brian
11:58 PM
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
2/4.
Engineering graphics has to be one of the more interesting mods i've taken so far.
Drawing to such precision and having to visualise objects with limited views is tough.
But it's different from all the number and graphs i see all the time.
Tomorrow's gonna be tough, there's a reason why it's called thermody(die)namics.
So many scary stories from people who took this mod.
I just hope i won't dabao.
Not feeling especially confident but i've spent quite a long time studying for this.
Gotta sleep early today cos the paper's really early tomorrow.
Really looking forward to thursday and friday.
Okay basically, i'm just looking forward to the end of exams.
These few days i can't even let myself play more than 15min worth of guitar.
Tomorrow's gonna be another long day. Gonna be heading to NUS to study with Kasit.
Hopefully it'll be a productive day tomorrow.
Got a craving for platypus again. Hmm i'll decide tomorrow.
Two more papers. Let's go!
Brian
11:10 PM
Monday, April 25, 2016
And so the first paper is over.
Weirdly enough, i feel really glad that there's one down.
Mostly because the remaining few will follow soon after.
Paper today wasn't too difficult.
Open book, elective mod, already planned to SU this mod so i didn't study much for it.
Nonetheless, i felt that this mod was super worth it to take cos i actually learnt a lot from it.
I'll never know when i'll need such knowledge.
Well, i almost ended up walking on the train track today.
Went to KR to meet Kenny and John for dinner, and just when i alighted the station blacked out.
Soon after they made an announcement saying that there was a power trip and the trains weren't working.
We ended up eating at KR because of this.
But thinking about it i could've on the train, stuck for probably 30-45min with a very very empty stomach.
At least today was slightly more interesting.
~~
So i made an instagram post today about me being tired and i got a few comments.
Got a few messages to spur me on during this exam period this morning as well.
I'm happy but at the same time burdened.
Everyone likes it when people are nice to you.
I want to be nice to people too.
But for now, i'm really unable to repay the kindness shown to me.
For that i feel really burdened.
I hate it when i'm unable to reciprocate how people treat me.
Maybe sometimes i just don't want people to be nice to me.
Brian
11:17 PM
Tomorrow's the start of my first paper.
Feeling a little sick, stressed and confused at the same time.
What do i really want?
Recently i have no mood to do anything. The only thing i want to do is nothing.
Yet, day after day i force myself to study, force myself to talk to people.
Sometimes, i force myself to be someone i no longer am.
I wish that part of me would come back.
I want to be the happy person again, to be able to cheer people up and make people laugh.
There's a lot of joy in seeing people i love being happy.
It can be momentary, it can be fake but maybe the more a person smiles and laughs, the easier it is to convince himself that he hasn't fell that far.
TV shows, games and a lot of other things i used to do, don't feel the same anymore.
I don't feel satisfied doing it, i don't enjoy it. It's different now.
Maybe i'm in the midst of discovering myself again.
After exams, i think i'm gonna look for quiet places to chill and getaway for a bit.
I've never liked the idea of being alone. I like having company.
That's why i crave for it so much that i failed to feel comfortable by myself.
Loneliness can be a beautiful thing and i'm not being emo here.
It can be if a person sees the good in it.
Sometimes i wonder, would things be different if there was someone i can turn to?
Would i really be happier, or would i still be stuck in the same rut as i am now?
Maybe?
Well, it's not like i can do anything about it right now.
Even if there was someone, it's not like that someone would feel the same way too.
I guess i'm just ranting because i'm feeling a little tired and all the exam stress is really getting onto me.
Please just let me survive the next four days.
"I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
And turn it off, in all my spite.
In all my spite, i'll turn it off."
Brian
12:27 AM
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Words.
They are never meant to be said to no one.
They are said so that they can be heard.
Conversations can never be done alone.
Conversations with more three or more people, might get a little messy, might get a little rowdy.
That's why conversations held by two people, usually are the best.
Then comes the people you converse with.
Some whom I'm more comfortable with, some not as much.
After awhile, you tend to learn how to talk to that person.
Only to realise, getting to know a person ain't hard, loving someone is.
No one is meant to be alone.
Words are a part of our lives.
Sometimes they touch people's hearts, other times they make sense out of a seemingly overwhelming situation, and there are times, they hurt people.
I haven't been blogging much because i feel that there's no point if it's one-sided anymore.
Yet, there's so many things i want to say, so much emotions i want to let out but i've got no one to turn to.
I'm not alone. I have friends, but it's just not the same without that one special friend.
I miss you, my best friend.
Brian
11:54 PM
Saturday, April 9, 2016
2 weeks till finals and 3 weeks till the end of this sem.
Feeling really stressed out and worrying about school and some other stuff.
There'll still be sleepless nights and days when i don't feel like myself.
I wish it could be easier but i'm kinda glad it ain't.
If it was, it wouldn't have been real.
There are still some things left unsaid, but maybe i should let it be left unspoken.
I thought a lot about whether i should post.
I figured maybe after so long of not updating you wouldn't be visiting this site anymore.
In any case, if you ever do come back and read this, i don't blame you for anything.
Instead, i thank you for a lot of things. Some of which you know and some of which you don't.
If one day we ever do meet again, maybe i'll tell you all about it then.
I'm still learning how to live for myself.
I'm still trying to make myself think that days will get better.
I'm still waiting for someone i can live for.
Maybe i've had a little success in some of these things.
All i wanna say is, do you feel happy right now?
If you do, then let things remain the way it is.
If you don't, don't worry. Eventually you will be.
Either way, one thing i know for sure, i can't be a part of it.
Broken crayons still colour.
Brian
12:32 AM
