Monday, November 16, 2015
I miss you so much,
To be honest, i was dreading today.
A few months back, it was the first time in my life that i ever looked forward to my birthday.
I felt like i finally had someone really special who would do something on my birthday to surprise me, to make me feel touched and i really looked forward so much to that.
Till some time back, that dream was shattered, by myself.
It's been 71 days, i'm more able to control my feelings but there are still times when i'm just weak.
People in church wished me 'Happy Birthday', It was for all the November babies but i felt sad and i truly wanted to escape,
All i could think of is what could've been.
I saw your twitter post.
I havent logged into twitter ever since i made my last post.
I unfollowed every single snsd member that i followed on instagram.
I havent listened to kpop for the longest time in awhile.
I took down all the posters in my room.
Because all that only reminded me of you.
Then there's your twitter post.
I want to cry.
But somehow i'm happy.
I didn't want to stop being as friends because i was afraid it would break you.
But you proved me wrong. You're damn strong. Stronger than me, that's for sure.
I unblocked you on whatsapp and i really wanted to talk to you for abit.
But i'm scared, i dont know if it'll affect you.
Especially at a time like this, when there can't be any distractions, and you should focus and concentrate on your finals.
I'm thankful to know that you dont hate me. At least i can maybe hate myself less.
But i still hate myself for hurting you.
You remember when we were walking and i said i wasn't a bad guy?
Ever since 70 days ago, i always felt otherwise.
And after all this time, you;re still being so nice to me.
Even after what i did, i don't know why you'll even care about me.
Why?
And here i am, not able to respond in any way..
I'm so sorry.
But now i know, you're reading.
Maybe that's why i still felt i was still talking to you through my blogposts and it always felt better after writing these posts.
I wish i could at least said a 'Thanks' personally. But i really can't;
So i'll say it here.
Thanks, C.
It's been 70days and honestly, it felt way longer than it should've been. Recently i kept thinking about how perfect it was. Everything seemed like it fell right into place, at the right time, in the right place. But we were missing that one last piece to make the puzzle complete. Right now, i feel incomplete and there are so many things i'm trying to do to fill the void. Nothing's working. But now knowing that you're strong, i'm less worried now. Hopefully because of this you've become a stronger person and that day was the first time you actually stood up for yourself, cos you said you cant be selfless all the time. It is true! and it's a good thing that you did that. Once in awhile, you gotta pay attention to yourself, know what you want and know what makes you, you. Please continue to stay strong and be true to yourself. Thanks for remembering, thanks for being so brave, thanks for showing me the post. This is the best birthday present i can wish for. Smile.
From B.
-Day 70-
Brian
1:14 AM
