Saturday, November 28, 2015
And in the end,
guilt,
loneliness,
and sadness,
are the things that has replaced you.
-Day 82-
Brian
10:28 PM
Sunday, November 22, 2015
This week went by really fast.
There were times i felt okay, and times that it wasn't.
That's how life is isn't it?
I survived this week.
Struggling, but surviving.
I'm okay.
Don't have to worry about me. I don't deserve it.
I don't know when's your first paper, maybe i did.
Anyway, all the best for your exams.
Jiayou.
-Day 76-
Brian
10:05 PM
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Hey 我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的
有想哭的心情
不知道我几时才能够见到你
I just want to explain things.
I want you to understand everything,
I want to tell you things i've always wanted to tell you.
Hopefully by doing that, we'll at least be able to be friends again.
Waiting is the hardest part of it all.
I miss you.
-Day 75-
Brian
3:16 PM
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
I thought maybe after all this time, i would be much stronger.
I thought i'll be more capable of handling my emotions.
But i'm not.
I guess whenever it comes to you, i'm always weak,
Cmon, Brian. You can do this.
You have to anyway.
You don't really have a choice.
-Day 72-
Brian
10:44 PM
Somehow today was slightly worse than yesterday.
Not being able to sleep at night is affecting my day.
I can't get all these outta my head.
I wanna make things right, wanna make it up to you as much as i can, no matter how small that may be.
I'm not posting everyday because i know you're reading.
I just feel it's a place that i can rant on without having to worry what people will say to me.
Not immediately at least.
I used to rant to you a lot.
I wasn't afraid of what you'll say, i wanted your opinion because it mattered a lot to me.
I know that there are many others who are reading this.
Truthfully, i'm not bothered by that at all.
All i wanted, was for you to know how i really felt.
There are still many things i want to tell you, many questions i want to ask you.
I really hope i get that chance soon.
I just hope that you'll give me that chance when the day comes.
Right now, i really have to focus on my finals.
It's just hard to focus when all i want to think about is the day i'll talk to you again.
But i said i would focus, so i'll try my best.
I'm still too immature at controlling my feelings.
Whoever said that guys feels less, i totally disagree.
I wanted to be heartless and forget about this whole thing, just like most guys would.
That's not me, my heart doesn't allow me to.
At the same time, i love you too much to talk to you again.
Because talking to you, will only mean that i'll hurt you again.
I don't know what's the right thing to do anymore.
I'll figure it out when finals are over.
I have to keep my word to you.
There's just been too many things i said i would do, but it didn't happen in the end.
I've broken far too many promises that i've made to you.
If only..
-Day 72-
Brian
12:14 AM
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
I told myself i won't make a double post, but today's just rough.
It's amazing how a short letter of a few sentences can be on my mind the whole day.
No matter how much i try to focus on other things, i think about it every now and then.
Slept at 3 last night, but i didn't feel tired today at all.
When the heart is having a hard time, all else numbs, because the when the heart screams for attention, the whole body, mind and soul has to respond.
It felt like the day i talked to you about this for the first time.
The whole day i just kept thinking of when i should talk to you again, what i should tell you and how i should say everything.
Now's definitely not the time, but i really hope the next time i talk to you, it isn't through here.
And then there's the hardest part of the day.
I heard the song.
I can't listen to it a second time.
I cried while listening to it on the train.
That never happens.
Never.
I dont exactly know how you feel about me now but that song was what i've always felt towards you,
Focus on your finals, okay?
I'm gonna try my best too.
Jiayou.
Maybe soon.
-Day 71-
Brian
1:04 AM
Monday, November 16, 2015
I miss you so much,
To be honest, i was dreading today.
A few months back, it was the first time in my life that i ever looked forward to my birthday.
I felt like i finally had someone really special who would do something on my birthday to surprise me, to make me feel touched and i really looked forward so much to that.
Till some time back, that dream was shattered, by myself.
It's been 71 days, i'm more able to control my feelings but there are still times when i'm just weak.
People in church wished me 'Happy Birthday', It was for all the November babies but i felt sad and i truly wanted to escape,
All i could think of is what could've been.
I saw your twitter post.
I havent logged into twitter ever since i made my last post.
I unfollowed every single snsd member that i followed on instagram.
I havent listened to kpop for the longest time in awhile.
I took down all the posters in my room.
Because all that only reminded me of you.
Then there's your twitter post.
I want to cry.
But somehow i'm happy.
I didn't want to stop being as friends because i was afraid it would break you.
But you proved me wrong. You're damn strong. Stronger than me, that's for sure.
I unblocked you on whatsapp and i really wanted to talk to you for abit.
But i'm scared, i dont know if it'll affect you.
Especially at a time like this, when there can't be any distractions, and you should focus and concentrate on your finals.
I'm thankful to know that you dont hate me. At least i can maybe hate myself less.
But i still hate myself for hurting you.
You remember when we were walking and i said i wasn't a bad guy?
Ever since 70 days ago, i always felt otherwise.
And after all this time, you;re still being so nice to me.
Even after what i did, i don't know why you'll even care about me.
Why?
And here i am, not able to respond in any way..
I'm so sorry.
But now i know, you're reading.
Maybe that's why i still felt i was still talking to you through my blogposts and it always felt better after writing these posts.
I wish i could at least said a 'Thanks' personally. But i really can't;
So i'll say it here.
Thanks, C.
It's been 70days and honestly, it felt way longer than it should've been. Recently i kept thinking about how perfect it was. Everything seemed like it fell right into place, at the right time, in the right place. But we were missing that one last piece to make the puzzle complete. Right now, i feel incomplete and there are so many things i'm trying to do to fill the void. Nothing's working. But now knowing that you're strong, i'm less worried now. Hopefully because of this you've become a stronger person and that day was the first time you actually stood up for yourself, cos you said you cant be selfless all the time. It is true! and it's a good thing that you did that. Once in awhile, you gotta pay attention to yourself, know what you want and know what makes you, you. Please continue to stay strong and be true to yourself. Thanks for remembering, thanks for being so brave, thanks for showing me the post. This is the best birthday present i can wish for. Smile.
From B.
-Day 70-
Brian
1:14 AM
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Recently, so many more things reminds me of you.
Little things.
Random instagram posts. Postcards. Certain songs. Birthdays.
It seems that i've already forgotten why i even did it in the first place.
Today i was asked a question.
"If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would your last words be?"
'I'm sorry' was all i could think of.
Came back home, and my family was quarreling about some stuff.
I wanted to rant to someone, it used to be you. Now there's just no one.
Sometimes i just feel so alone.
I'm able to get my moods up fast easily now.
But when i'm alone? It reverts back.
It just feels so incomplete right now.
It's all about me again huh?
Yeah, i'm still pretty selfish.
I just hope you're fine.
Smile.
-Day 61-
Brian
11:14 PM
