Monday, October 26, 2015
Hey there,
It's been awhile since we talked.
I wonder how you're doing now.
Finals are in one month and I hope you're back on track mugging hard.
There are still a lot of things i want to say to you.
Though, when i really get the chance to, i won't be able to say it.
I've tried to use so many things to fill the void, but they can never really take it away.
My heart, it still yearns for something else, something more.
I wish life was like a tv series, an anime, or at least similar to one.
At least there's a happy ending.
They used to appear in my dreams but i don't dare to dream anymore.
I stay up late at night because i wanna force myself to get so tired to a point that i don't have dreams.
Though that comes with many problems as well.
I want to forget that it was me who pushed you away.
I wish you'd say you hate me so that it makes it easier to forget everything.
In the end, i only blame myself.
-Day 49-
Brian
10:00 PM
Monday, October 19, 2015
不明白 不明白 為什麼我不能放的开
捨不得 这个爱 妳是一生一世不会瞭解
Feeling so much of this lyrics right now
I don't understand why i can't let go
I don't understand why i'm holding to this feelings so tightly
Eventually it'll fade, maybe
I hate it when i'm alone now
I still think about this whole shit a lot
And it happens especially when i'm alone
I need some escape
But I'm still looking for it
Where is my way of escape?
It's been 7 weeks, but it feels way longer than that
-Day 42-
Brian
10:43 PM
Sunday, October 18, 2015
How do i put this?
I go to places, beautiful places.
I wanna share with you what i see.
I can't.
I messed up.
I still miss you.
-Day 40-
Brian
12:49 AM
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
I can't.
I can't handle this by myself.
I can't stop thinking about this whole thing, thinking about you.
My emotions overpowers me most of the time.
I can't believe that it was not perfect?
If only religion weren't an issue, it would all be okay.
But I'm a Christian.
I ought to realise that, and everything that it entails.
It was the right feelings at the right time..
But i can't date a non-Christian, you knew that too.
Though you can't accept that..
That's the only thing that was wrong.
I'm the one who pushed you away but i can't handle the consequences.
I'm still a kid, immature and stupid.
What can i do? The heart has reasons that reason does not know.
These feelings aren't going away.
I'm trying hard to suppress them.
But when i hide them, i have to hide many other things as well.
I just wanna be myself again.
I just freaking miss you.
I'm just a kid.
-Day 37-
Brian
11:41 PM
Monday, October 12, 2015
The urge to talk to you now is just too strong.
For the past few weeks, i've been talking to a lot of people, confiding in a lot of people.
But the last 2 weeks, I thought I was okay, feeling better, maybe a little stronger, so I kept everything to myself.
Now i find myself in a wreck.
I may be smiling, laughing but I'm not able to be genuinely happy.
All i want to know is how you're doing.
But if you're coping well, will i be satisfied with that or will i want more?
If you're not, what can i really do?
Maybe, you're happy now.
That would make sense because i felt i was tying you down too much.
Maybe, you've already gotten over it.
That would be good.
Most of the time, i think too much and i feel too much.
Too much to a point that it becomes poison, slowly eating away at myself.
I gotta learn how to manage myself better, but for now, i'm a total wreck.
When there's nothing left to think, all i want to think about is you.
But, that's just me being selfish again.
I'm a mess.
-Day 35-
Brian
10:59 PM
Friday, October 2, 2015
Don't know how you've been.
Don't know if you're happier now.
Though i'm pretty sure you're doing fine without me.
I'm starting to get used to this void, once in awhile i get reminded of everything.
Maybe playing the guitar, building nanoblocks fills this void. At least i feel better playing with all that.
I haven't been following apink, cos they remind me so much of you. I don't even know why.
Whenever i see anything related to Korea, i get reminded of you.
I wanted to go Korea with you but i know i really can't.
As time passes, the more i feel i don't know what to say to you. If i were to, that is.
I don't even know how i'll react if i see you. And i'm scared how you'll react when you see me.
Meanwhile, just concentrate on studies and whatever's important.
I'll still find it hard to see you with another guy. I know i shouldn't be because we weren't anything.
I'm still not letting go eh?
It's not easy. It really isn't.
-Day 25-
Brian
11:07 PM
