Friday, September 11, 2015
Hi,
The pain hasn't gone away yet.
But really, what am i expecting? It isn't gonna go away anytime soon.
I'm torn, i'm shattered, i'm heartbroken because you are too.
I can only understand a little of the pain you're going through, but never know what you're thinking now.
You can hate me, but don't hate Christianity.
The past few days, i've come to realise that religion isn't really the only thing that prevented us from being together. It actually saved us.
Hear me out.
You remember the time when we had a talk about addiction?
You told me addiction isn't good, it never is. But i was.
I felt that i just needed you in my life. Is that a good thing? i don't think so. I relied too much on you.
You always knew that family is important. I didn't. I never really wanted to spend time with my parents or my sis, i just knew i wanted to spend time with you.
You see, i was lonely. You took that pain away.
But now i see that i wanted you because you replaced that loneliness in me.
There will come a day where you can't fill that loneliness in me. Then what?
Even when i went out of my way to do everything for you, it was because i was selfish.
Doing that made me happier. I did it for myself.
I'm too self-centered and too selfish to be in a relationship right now.
If you think carefully, without being bias, I'm sure you'll see it too.
You'll see how bad a guy i am.
I don't deserve you. At all.
One regret that i have is i never told you properly why i'm doing this.
Which is why i hope you're reading this.
I can't tell you face to face right now, because that will only bring you more pain.
That will just make me like you again.
So for now, you need space, i need space.
Take some time to see what's important in our lives. Though i'm pretty sure you know, but i don't.
Don't bottle everything in.
What i told you in the past may seem like lies now, and you might think what i'm telling you now are lies.
But i just hope that you continue smiling.
You have a fantastic smile. I'm not worthy to take that away from you.
So don't blame it on religion, blame it on me.
In fact, this helped us. I don't believe that, i know that.
I still hope you become a Christian, because i dont want you to go to hell.
It's just not through me and definitely not because of me.
Maybe one day when all things are said and done, you will question yourself how is it that i was willing to give up all these for my religion and want to know more about Christianity. I'll be extremely happy if that happens and even happier if you really became a Christian because i'm worried for your salvation.
You're a strong person, you'll be able to get over this.
Just don't keep everything to yourself and not let anyone help you.
Smile. This is my last request to you now.
-Day 4-
Brian
7:01 PM
